THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF PEREGRINE TOOK
Was out pilfering vegetables when bumped into Sam and Frodo. Had a nice little roll around with Frodo in corn before was forcibly removed by Sam. Must have word with Frodo about letting servants get overly familiar and grabby.
Fell down hill. Merry v. disappointed that he broke his carrot. After he found one that was just the right shape, too.
V. nice in Rivendell. Sick of rooming with Sam though. Constantly sopping wet and reeking of strawberries. Also tired of elves mistaking me for unusually lifelike lawn ornament.
Joined Fellowship of Ring for a lark. Everyone v. nice except Legolas seems a bit testy. Yesterday held me upside down over crevasse until I admitted he was the prettiest elf in the Fellowship. Did not feel like pointing out he was only elf in Fellowship, as crevasse was very deep.
Has been twenty-five days since met Aragorn and he has not yet washed his hair. Is really starting to bother me.
Sam all wrong about Boromir. Really very nice man. Invited me to go for a walk with him tonight and said he would let me blow his Horn of Gondor. Can’t wait.
Later that night
Always thought blowing the Horn of Gondor was supposed to summon armies of the West?
V. educational, all the same.
V. dark in mines of Moria. Still sort of a relief as means Boromir cannot corner me and complain how Aragorn is insensitive, stuck up git with hobbit fixation. Pot calling kettle black if you ask me. Aragorn obviously way into Frodo, however. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
Caught Legolas waxing soles of Aragorn’s boots, thus explaining why Aragorn keeps collapsing into his arms. Tricky elf.
Aragorn still hasn’t washed his hair.
Gandalf dead. Everyone morose. In attempt to cheer up Fellowship, Legolas took off all his clothes and performed scenes from Silmarillion: The Musical. Everyone still morose. Legolas ponced off to have 3,000-year-old elf prince sulk.
Lothlorien v. pretty. Accidentally walked in on Gimli taking a bath. Now understand what Gandalf meant about there being scarier things than Orcs. And was that Aragorn hiding under all the bubbles? May have nightmares for weeks.
Aragorn washed his hair. Hurrah.
Maybe it really was him under all the bubbles.
Boromir wrote me a poem. Merry says I am leading him on. Of course, Merry also says I cry like a girl. Merry a total bastard most of the time, actually.
Poem not very good. Did not rhyme. Feel slighted.
Told Boromir I did not feel ready to commit, so he went and got himself shot by Orcs. Honestly. Humans so oversensitive sometimes.
Have been kidnapped by Uruk-hai. Not very friendly types. Merry says we may have to shag our way out of captivity. Suspect Merry looking forward to it, useless wassock. Orcs v. smelly. Suddenly miss Boromir.