excerpt from Sauron's diary
Day One: Dirty weekend with Elrond turned sour when I told him purple was not his color.
Day Five Have been marched against by last alliance of men and nancing elves. Is transparent attempt by Elrond to get back at me for comment about purple. I will not take it back! I told him purple made him look like an eggplant, and it does. Is no need for him to get so shirty about it.
Day Six Is not that being defeated by last alliance is so bad, is not even that being reduced to a disembodied eyeball is so bad, although Visine would be a comfort. But whose bright idea was it to slice onions in here?
Blast those orcs and their fondness for onion dip. Have taken their disco ball away. God, it's fun to be evil.