The original pervy hobbit fancier (cassieclaire) wrote,
The original pervy hobbit fancier
cassieclaire

covering all the world with a second slashiness

Ok. Have buckled like belt. Have written new VSD. Have committed character assasination on Faramir, but then if PJ can do it, so can I.

The Very Secret Diary of Aragorn, son of Arathorn, Part Two

Day One

Ran forty miles across Rohan. No squirrels to eat. Gimli looking about roasting size. Have been told dwarf tastes like chicken. Still not King.

Stubble update: satisfactory.

Day Two

Ran into army of Rohirrim. Asked Eomer if he knew where hobbits were. Got v. cagey answer. Perhaps Eomer still mad about that last bender I went on where I painted rude words in Elvish all over his horse. Decided not to mention he has obviously copied hairstyle from Legolas. He wouldn't be giving me this attitude if I were King.

Day Three

Once you've seen one pile of smoking dead Orcs, you've seen 'em all. That's all I'm sayin.'

Day Four

Ran into Gandalf. Turns out he did not actually die but instead was forced by Balrog to sell out to laundry detergent company and is now Gandalf the Sparkly White. PR whore. Next thing he'll be charging for pointy hat trick.

Day Six

In Edoras. King Theoden giving me attitude. He was all, "Are you King here? Last time I checked, I was King here. I'm lookin' around and I don't see anyone else with a crown on his head. Eh? Eh?"

Was forced to admit I am indeed still not King.

In revenge, stole his wallet when he was not looking and used it to open charge account at Gap of Rohan. Have bought matching poke bonnets for Gimli and Legolas.

Day Seven

Suspect Eowyn fancies me. Cannot blame her as stubble so manly is turning even self on.

Day Nine

Fell over cliff. Stupid wolves of Isengard. Think was rescued by Arwen but when woke up was kissing my horse. Bit of a squick there. Have lost favorite sparkly necklace in river. Feeling v. petulant as there is no such thing as bad jewelry. Well, maybe Ring.

Stubble update: wet.

Day Twelve

Triumphant return to Helm's Deep. Got hugged by Gimli. As if I needed to be reminded that he is belt buckle height yet again. Necklace returned to me by Legolas, yay! He muttered something in Elvish that could have been "You're late" or could have been "Throw me down and shag me rotten." Not entirely sure which. Must brush up on Elvish as do not wish to presume.

Still not King but too busy keeping up men's morale to brood. Upcoming battle should be piece of cake, really.

Day Fourteen

Standing on battlements of Helm's Deep. Absolutely ridiculous number of Orcs headed this way. Who are we kidding anyway. We are so fucked. Perhaps this place has a side door.

Day Fourteen, Later

Elves have sent army of most willowy and graceful warriors to assist us. Will be no use at fighting of course but at least I will die looking at something pretty. Theoden keeps muttering, "It's unbelievable!" about elf army. Was forced to agree --it is unbelievable that Haldir's eyebrows do not match his weave.

Keep trying to sneak out side door, but Gimli following me everywhere. Will never be King at this rate.

Day Fifteen

Unexpectedly victorious in battle of Helm's Deep, but celebration ruined by obnoxious postcard from Faramir, which included picture of himself on beaches of Osgiliath with tiny Ringbearer and fat companion, sharing a pina colada and wearing colorful shorts. Postcard reads:

Dear Aragorn,

Thanks for the Ring and the hobbits. They are small, but v. bendy. Just what I always wanted! Still have fond memories of that night we spent together in Minas Tirith. Love and kisses, Faramir.


God damn Faramir. Might as well just have let Boromir have the Ring and cut out the middleman. At least I know Sam will kill him if he tries anything.

Still not King.

***
  • Post a new comment

    Error

    Comments allowed for friends only

    Anonymous comments are disabled in this journal

    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded 

  • 300 comments
Previous
← Ctrl ← Alt
Next
Ctrl → Alt →

Deleted comment

ROTFLMAOAPIMP.EXE ;o)

keep up the good work!

Aragorn_dk
Keep trying to sneak out side door, but Gimli following me everywhere. Will never be King at this rate.

Oh... My... God....

You are a Goddess.
Oh. My. BOB. Cassie, wait, can I call you that? No, Ms. Claire? No, aw screw it. YOU are GOD.

He muttered something in Elvish that could have been "You're late" or could have been "Throw me down and shag me rotten." Not entirely sure which.

THANK YOU. That's ALL I'VE BEEN SAYING. Those 10 seconds alone were enough to fuel countless slash stories! Ay!

I digress.

You are GOD. And I babble. A lot. Compared to you, I am a vicious, cold-blooded piece of toast. And look at how I put that quote in there like some scary stalker.

But maybe I am.

Ignore that rustling in the bushes outside your window.

It's....a cat.

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees.

YOU ARE GOD.
Fucking brilliant.
Got a note at a YahooGroup saying that Cassandra Claire had updated her Secret Diaries, yay! Slightly miffed because the ONE week I don't check her LJ is the one she updates. Ah.

Greatly enjoyed Theoden's, and doubled over at Aragorn's - though again, slightly miffed and mildly surprised Cassie didn't include a certain "Toss me" line from a certain... "tiny hairy newt". Dear Gimli, can't wait for his diary.

Sorry to borrow your style that way, Cassie, thanks for the update!! We've been waiting long for it, you know :)

Belphegor
In Edoras. King Theoden giving me attitude. He was all, "Are you King here? Last time I checked, I was King here. I'm lookin' around and I don't see anyone else with a crown on his head. Eh? Eh?"

Was forced to admit I am indeed still not King.


*dies*

Hilarious stuff! I'd waited for so long to read new chapters of the VSE...

Wohooo!
Theoden keeps muttering, "it's unbelievable!" about elf army. Was forced to agree -- it is unbelievable that Haldir's eyebrows do not matc this weave.

Whahahahaha!! Love ya!! I laughed so hard I fell of my chair... I waited for this a whole year and I'm looking forward to Gollums and Legolases VSD's... Keep up the good work!!!!!!!

xXx
Mary
Theoden keeps muttering, "it's unbelievable!" about elf army. Was forced to agree -- it is unbelievable that Haldir's eyebrows do not match this weave.

Whahahahaha!! Love ya!! I laughed so hard I fell of my chair... I waited for this a whole year and I'm looking forward to Gollums and Legolases VSD's... Keep up the good work!!!!!!!

xXx
Mary
Cassie, my dear, you livened up last winter like no one else with the Fellowship Very Secret Diaries. I've been waiting to read this one til I finally saw the movie, and the first thing I did was rush back. Giggled my way through it like always. I cannot wait to see what else you come up with!

YAY!

Anonymous

December 28 2002, 02:13:16 UTC 14 years ago

have been waiting for more v. long time! absolute brilliance! i read this one & theoden's just before seeing ttt for the second time! *grinz* keep up the excellent work... can't wait for legolas!!!! why don't you do a haldir one? *smiles at thought of sexy red cape*
"He muttered something in Elvish that could have been "You're late" or could have been "Throw me down and shag me rotten." Not entirely sure which. Must brush up on Elvish as do not wish to presume."

after a long time of admiring you from afar, i've finally decided to come and worship you in a more 'up close and personal' way (god help you) i think you rock! I couldn't watch the film without almost pissng myself, i half expected Aragorn to give a stubble update, or Legolas to smile smugly and announce 'still the prettiest', or Sam to warn Gollum that he'll kill him if he tries anything. Thank you! And noe i've read this, I'm never going to be able to hear 'you're late' in elvish without hearing 'throw me down and shag me rotten' Going to cinema agan tomorrow, I'll be thinking of yout he whole way through! Thank you for being such a genius, you are now my new god.

Anonymous

December 28 2002, 14:13:20 UTC 14 years ago

Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!! I held on reading it until I had seen the film, which was done not an hour ago. I rushed home and started reading. You have utterly ruined me by the way, I already can't watch reruns of the first one without sniggering and I fear I will laugh out loud in two days, when I'm going to see it again with friends.
Long live the VSD !
Absolutely f-in brilliant! Bloody good show...many reverent kisses at your feet!
Welcome back! This made me laugh so hard I fell off my chair. Keep up the good work!

*sigh*

Anonymous

December 29 2002, 12:18:40 UTC 14 years ago

You lost your touch. Your first journals were godlike, but I have to say...these suck so far. I hope you can improve on them more because I am really looking forward to laughing eventually.
I agree yo.

Re: *sigh*

Anonymous

14 years ago

Re: *sigh*

Anonymous

14 years ago

Re: *sigh*

Anonymous

14 years ago

Re: *sigh*

Anonymous

14 years ago

"Have committed character assasination on Faramir, but then if PJ can do it, so can I."

Yeah, I have issues with that. But the postcard is priceless!!

"Absolutely ridiculous number of Orcs headed this way. Who are we kidding anyway. We are so fucked."

It has long been my fondest wish to hear Aragorn --or SOMEone--actually say this. Yay!

Wonderful stuff. Was laughing incredibly hard.

Aragorns whole diary was priceless. I'm not going to be able to watch the movie with out some serious laughter. Can't wait for legolas's.

OH. GOD.

Anonymous

December 30 2002, 17:13:28 UTC 14 years ago

LJ has changed...
I feel it in the keyboard
I feel it on the website
I see it on the screen.

Much that once was, is not lost
For there are all of us on LJ who remember it.

It began with the forging of the secret diaries...

I have to agree, really.

This is so hilarious! More! Please!
*lol* love it
k, it's not deliberately anon, just i'm not a member. Very very very very very very funny! Much hilarioso! Big big well done! That is all.
Aloof Elf Princess
Hey Cassie, guess what?
THAT SUCKED!
I suppose you're not used to hearing that, but maybe it's time you STARTED. Maybe it's time someone punched a hole in your goddamn overinflated ego for a change. Maybe not everyone worships you and your little clique for being the biggest bunch of losers ever to be heard of. Maybe not everyone cares that you think they all need to bow down to you because you're stuck up and you're in all these quizzes and shit. How about that? And by the way, go ahead and post this in your LiveJournal and scorn it. In fact, I WANT YOU TO.
That is all.
Wow...takes a big man to come on anonymously and flame someone :P (btw, I'm not anonymous because ashamed of comments, only because do not yet posses LJ account *pout*)

So what happened here? Did he try to hit on Cassie and get cruelly rebuffed? Sounds like jealousy/angst to me...

Re: VERY CREATIVE.

Anonymous

14 years ago

Re: VERY CREATIVE.

Anonymous

14 years ago

Anonymous

January 7 2003, 01:30:44 UTC 14 years ago

Hurrah for Gandalf, the laundry-detergent model!
And
Hurrah for Cass Claire, especially if she gets on with the next VSD quick!
That is excellent!
That was absolutely brillant...look forward to reading the rest of VSD
Previous
← Ctrl ← Alt
Next
Ctrl → Alt →