The original pervy hobbit fancier (cassieclaire) wrote,
The original pervy hobbit fancier
cassieclaire

covering all the world with a second slashiness

Ok. Have buckled like belt. Have written new VSD. Have committed character assasination on Faramir, but then if PJ can do it, so can I.

The Very Secret Diary of Aragorn, son of Arathorn, Part Two

Day One

Ran forty miles across Rohan. No squirrels to eat. Gimli looking about roasting size. Have been told dwarf tastes like chicken. Still not King.

Stubble update: satisfactory.

Day Two

Ran into army of Rohirrim. Asked Eomer if he knew where hobbits were. Got v. cagey answer. Perhaps Eomer still mad about that last bender I went on where I painted rude words in Elvish all over his horse. Decided not to mention he has obviously copied hairstyle from Legolas. He wouldn't be giving me this attitude if I were King.

Day Three

Once you've seen one pile of smoking dead Orcs, you've seen 'em all. That's all I'm sayin.'

Day Four

Ran into Gandalf. Turns out he did not actually die but instead was forced by Balrog to sell out to laundry detergent company and is now Gandalf the Sparkly White. PR whore. Next thing he'll be charging for pointy hat trick.

Day Six

In Edoras. King Theoden giving me attitude. He was all, "Are you King here? Last time I checked, I was King here. I'm lookin' around and I don't see anyone else with a crown on his head. Eh? Eh?"

Was forced to admit I am indeed still not King.

In revenge, stole his wallet when he was not looking and used it to open charge account at Gap of Rohan. Have bought matching poke bonnets for Gimli and Legolas.

Day Seven

Suspect Eowyn fancies me. Cannot blame her as stubble so manly is turning even self on.

Day Nine

Fell over cliff. Stupid wolves of Isengard. Think was rescued by Arwen but when woke up was kissing my horse. Bit of a squick there. Have lost favorite sparkly necklace in river. Feeling v. petulant as there is no such thing as bad jewelry. Well, maybe Ring.

Stubble update: wet.

Day Twelve

Triumphant return to Helm's Deep. Got hugged by Gimli. As if I needed to be reminded that he is belt buckle height yet again. Necklace returned to me by Legolas, yay! He muttered something in Elvish that could have been "You're late" or could have been "Throw me down and shag me rotten." Not entirely sure which. Must brush up on Elvish as do not wish to presume.

Still not King but too busy keeping up men's morale to brood. Upcoming battle should be piece of cake, really.

Day Fourteen

Standing on battlements of Helm's Deep. Absolutely ridiculous number of Orcs headed this way. Who are we kidding anyway. We are so fucked. Perhaps this place has a side door.

Day Fourteen, Later

Elves have sent army of most willowy and graceful warriors to assist us. Will be no use at fighting of course but at least I will die looking at something pretty. Theoden keeps muttering, "It's unbelievable!" about elf army. Was forced to agree --it is unbelievable that Haldir's eyebrows do not match his weave.

Keep trying to sneak out side door, but Gimli following me everywhere. Will never be King at this rate.

Day Fifteen

Unexpectedly victorious in battle of Helm's Deep, but celebration ruined by obnoxious postcard from Faramir, which included picture of himself on beaches of Osgiliath with tiny Ringbearer and fat companion, sharing a pina colada and wearing colorful shorts. Postcard reads:

Dear Aragorn,

Thanks for the Ring and the hobbits. They are small, but v. bendy. Just what I always wanted! Still have fond memories of that night we spent together in Minas Tirith. Love and kisses, Faramir.


God damn Faramir. Might as well just have let Boromir have the Ring and cut out the middleman. At least I know Sam will kill him if he tries anything.

Still not King.

***
  • Post a new comment

    Error

    Comments allowed for friends only

    Anonymous comments are disabled in this journal

    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded 

  • 300 comments
Previous
← Ctrl ← Alt
Next
Ctrl → Alt →
La la la!!! So glad to see the VSD back up and running. I've awaited this moment for months...was briefly worried second round might not be as fresh, as creative, as astounding...silly, bad girl! Should have known better! If anything, second chapter of Aragorn FUNNIER than first...LOVED bit with Theoden razzing Aragorn re: not being king. New installments have self laughing out loud and appearing v. silly in office. Must convert new office mates to wonderful world of VSD to avoid odd stares.

Sorry to sign as "anonymous" but have not yet the pleasure of owning lovely LJ account *sniffles forlornly*

p.s. Are you a BJ fan as well? Methinks the VSD style v. reminiscent of hers...good sho

Great

Anonymous

January 10 2003, 04:09:36 UTC 14 years ago

It's even better than the first Aragorn VSD! Keep up the good work and hurry up with the Legolas one!
YAY! hobbit love is cute, isnt it?
This is some fanfic I wrote to that very annoying Avril Lavigne song that is always stuck in my head. Stupid middle school kids. It's sort of a book movie hybrid. I'm just posting it random places 'cause I actually think it's pretty good.

RainGr Boi

He was a man, she was an Elf
Can I make this anymore obvious?
If she marries him, she’ll die some day
What more can I say?
He wanted her, she’d never tell
but at Lórien admitted that she wanted him as well
But all of her kind stuck up their nose
they had a problem with his rugged clothes

He was a Ranger boy
she said she ya later boy
He wasn’t immortal enough for her
She had a pretty face
but she was of Elven race
She needed to come back to Middle Earth.

5 months from now, she sits at home
headed for Valinor, she’s all alone
She checks out plantir, guess who she sees
Ranger boy fighting for pretty cake city (Ali’s name for Edoras)
She calls up her friends, they already know
they’re all at Helm’s Deep to see the show
So Arwen decides to go see the man
that her daddy turned day-own

He was a Ranger boy
she said see ya later boy
He wasn’t immortal enough for her
now he’s a super star
Fleein’ from Edoras
Did you see him wearing your Evenstar?

So you will wed and rule Gondor now
good thing that evil ring was found
Aragorn just needed a long bath
and to find his hidden path.
We’re so glad you’ve finally seen
yeah seen the clean man that boy could be
There is more than meets the eye
We see the king that is inside.

Yeah he’s just a boy, and she’s just a girl
can I make this any more obvious?
They are in love, haven’t you heard
how they united Middle Earth?

Yeah, she’s with the Ranger boy
she said see ya later boy
I’ll be waiting after the war
when you reclaim your throne
Elrond said we can marry, ya know
And I will lead a mortal life.
-lyrics revised by Diana
AgentAzzling@newyork.com
mmmm Why is Aragorn so delicious? It's just not fair... no man has the right to be that delectable. Stubble update: ~*most*~ satisfactory :) I just found out he's from a city about an hour from me... maybe next time he's home... *wipes drool from her chin* er, anyway... about the diaries. Thanks for sticking with it through stalkers and Gimli being turned into comic relief (grr) and everything else... The first time I read the diaries, I laughed so hard I nearly had to change my pants. Today, I re-read them for the umpteenth time (and read the two new ones) and had the same reaction. Anyway I hope we can expect more stories from you... I considered doing LoTR fanfic but after reading yours, I knew it could never be good enough :) My friend Kris is totally into Legolas and I have to give her crap about it all the time; after I showed her the diaries, she has a fit everytime someone says "nance" in any context... I personally can't stand him... I'm no hobbit fancier (but there is something about Pippin...) but ew, Legolas? what a girlyman. Give me scruffy, unwashed, manly Man anyday :) Wow, back on him again... better shut up then! Anyway, thanks for writing. It's amazing! hipfix @yahoo.com
yes i agree, aragorn is a manly man, and there is definatley something about pippin, i've noticed it since the 1st movie.....'what's this a ranger caught off his guard?' he he he
Just 2 say Cassieclaire that u keep me and my friends laughing throughout the long, boring school day,
luv ya
elise xxx

Anonymous

January 16 2003, 23:24:49 UTC 14 years ago

man, this is so fucking great! it's got comedy, humor,
and it's also very witty. Now if only i had seen
the two towers.....

Psyche! -Jordan

Lol

Anonymous

January 18 2003, 08:08:10 UTC 14 years ago

Funny. Very funny.

Anonymous

January 22 2003, 03:50:59 UTC 14 years ago

thank you so much, a very bad day at work suddenly made better!

funny

Anonymous

January 30 2003, 16:42:43 UTC 14 years ago

This was very good! a lot of humor--i like!!!!!
OMG...where do you come up with this stuff? You are a freakin' genius!!! Diggin' the "Gandalf the Sparkly White". You rock!

heeeeeee

Anonymous

February 7 2003, 01:34:24 UTC 14 years ago

Standing on battlements of Helm's Deep. Absolutely ridiculous number of Orcs headed this way. Who are we kidding anyway. We are so fucked. Perhaps this place has a side door.

this still makes me laugh after reading it like 34523455670 times=)

Anonymous

February 11 2003, 07:51:25 UTC 14 years ago

Toxicly good!
...it is unbelievable that Haldir's eyebrows do not match his weave.

*shriek* IT IS SO TRUE!

Weeee!

Anonymous

February 26 2003, 06:57:10 UTC 13 years ago

Grand job. Really grand. I am not really into fanfics, but VSDs were read by me about 10000 times. Love 'em!

Yo.

Anonymous

March 1 2003, 22:41:06 UTC 13 years ago

To join the club rather late..
In Edoras. King Theoden giving me attitude. He was all, "Are you King here? Last time I checked, I was King here. I'm lookin' around and I don't see anyone else with a crown on his head. Eh? Eh?"

Lol. Frelling aye.

Lil' Neko
Fully aware that I'm probably one of the last people on earth to read this, but it's brilliant! Fantastic!! Had me in tears of laughter!! Thank you so much!!
LOVE it! Absolutely hysterical. You're a genius!
wonderful wonderful wonderful. have been anxiously awaiting the TTT ones, and they are awesome so far. *claps*
Gap of Rohan? *chokesonair* LoL! Loved this one, absolutely brilliant!
Oh my god. I love thissssssss! So many diaries!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
this line is still cracking me up. Cannot blame her as stubble so manly is turning even self on. very very good. :D I like the gimli belt-height thing and the ongoing sam will kill him if he tries anything. The Very Secret Diaries are amazing!!!
Previous
← Ctrl ← Alt
Next
Ctrl → Alt →