The original pervy hobbit fancier (cassieclaire) wrote,
The original pervy hobbit fancier
cassieclaire

covering all the world with a second slashiness

Ok. Have buckled like belt. Have written new VSD. Have committed character assasination on Faramir, but then if PJ can do it, so can I.

The Very Secret Diary of Aragorn, son of Arathorn, Part Two

Day One

Ran forty miles across Rohan. No squirrels to eat. Gimli looking about roasting size. Have been told dwarf tastes like chicken. Still not King.

Stubble update: satisfactory.

Day Two

Ran into army of Rohirrim. Asked Eomer if he knew where hobbits were. Got v. cagey answer. Perhaps Eomer still mad about that last bender I went on where I painted rude words in Elvish all over his horse. Decided not to mention he has obviously copied hairstyle from Legolas. He wouldn't be giving me this attitude if I were King.

Day Three

Once you've seen one pile of smoking dead Orcs, you've seen 'em all. That's all I'm sayin.'

Day Four

Ran into Gandalf. Turns out he did not actually die but instead was forced by Balrog to sell out to laundry detergent company and is now Gandalf the Sparkly White. PR whore. Next thing he'll be charging for pointy hat trick.

Day Six

In Edoras. King Theoden giving me attitude. He was all, "Are you King here? Last time I checked, I was King here. I'm lookin' around and I don't see anyone else with a crown on his head. Eh? Eh?"

Was forced to admit I am indeed still not King.

In revenge, stole his wallet when he was not looking and used it to open charge account at Gap of Rohan. Have bought matching poke bonnets for Gimli and Legolas.

Day Seven

Suspect Eowyn fancies me. Cannot blame her as stubble so manly is turning even self on.

Day Nine

Fell over cliff. Stupid wolves of Isengard. Think was rescued by Arwen but when woke up was kissing my horse. Bit of a squick there. Have lost favorite sparkly necklace in river. Feeling v. petulant as there is no such thing as bad jewelry. Well, maybe Ring.

Stubble update: wet.

Day Twelve

Triumphant return to Helm's Deep. Got hugged by Gimli. As if I needed to be reminded that he is belt buckle height yet again. Necklace returned to me by Legolas, yay! He muttered something in Elvish that could have been "You're late" or could have been "Throw me down and shag me rotten." Not entirely sure which. Must brush up on Elvish as do not wish to presume.

Still not King but too busy keeping up men's morale to brood. Upcoming battle should be piece of cake, really.

Day Fourteen

Standing on battlements of Helm's Deep. Absolutely ridiculous number of Orcs headed this way. Who are we kidding anyway. We are so fucked. Perhaps this place has a side door.

Day Fourteen, Later

Elves have sent army of most willowy and graceful warriors to assist us. Will be no use at fighting of course but at least I will die looking at something pretty. Theoden keeps muttering, "It's unbelievable!" about elf army. Was forced to agree --it is unbelievable that Haldir's eyebrows do not match his weave.

Keep trying to sneak out side door, but Gimli following me everywhere. Will never be King at this rate.

Day Fifteen

Unexpectedly victorious in battle of Helm's Deep, but celebration ruined by obnoxious postcard from Faramir, which included picture of himself on beaches of Osgiliath with tiny Ringbearer and fat companion, sharing a pina colada and wearing colorful shorts. Postcard reads:

Dear Aragorn,

Thanks for the Ring and the hobbits. They are small, but v. bendy. Just what I always wanted! Still have fond memories of that night we spent together in Minas Tirith. Love and kisses, Faramir.


God damn Faramir. Might as well just have let Boromir have the Ring and cut out the middleman. At least I know Sam will kill him if he tries anything.

Still not King.

***
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I only just read your EPIC entry about giving you some time for the VSD's, and had only just processed it in my mind that I would have to... *pauses for effect, then forgets what he was going to say, ponders, wonders and concieves to retrieve from a fickle mind. Gets a flash of insight, and continues on with his point. Yay!*...WAIT for more to arrive... *shudder*

Then I open up this LJ just to make a routine check, and I see the delight of Aragorn's stubble checks and brooding for not being king!! "You are full of surprises, master Baggins... er... miss Claire!" Bravo, and I eagerly drool for your next instalment... whenever you choose that to be, of course *wink, wink*

Namárië, and stay delightfully fresh...

--Azz.

P.S. "PR Whore!!!" :)) I was cackling it that one like you wouldn't BUH-LEEVE!!!... it's the little things that make your VSD's remain master of all the shoddy imitations. I love your work, Cassie, and I hope you never stop writing.
Fan-fuckin-tastic! I love Day 6. Wouldn't want to presume... I can't say that I've been waiting months for this, as some other readers have, as I first read the VSD about 7 hours before seeing the midnight showing of TTT, but it's still sweet. You are a hilarious writer, in both fandoms that you partake in. Although you've probably heard it many, many, many times before, you're VSD are so great that I cannot watch the movies without words from them popping into my head. On my second viewing of TTT, when Legolas has that "you look horrible" (or similar) line, I half-shouted "Go me! Still the prettiest," and at least 6 people other than my friend beside me laughed. That's far-reaching (more far-reaching than the arm of bad-guys, too). So I just wanted to tell you how fantabulous you and you're writing are.
YAY!! More Secret Diaries! ^_^

Uh, oh. T-shirts gone from Cafepress site. Cannot order one (or more) now. Should have ordered earlier in month. -_-

What's a Pervy VSD Fancier to do?.... -_-
CASSIE'S BACK!!!!!

*does ridiculously uncoordinated happy dance*
*picks self up off floor clutching what used to be intact rib cage*

Cassie, you never lose that magic touch - just hilarious. I expect instalments from every internet cafe in the UK (and Amsterdam perhaps? Just the elderly Dutch pervert in me speaking). Go you!
A new one! You have seriously made my day. I can't wait for more. <3
Ran into Gandalf. Turns out he did not actually die but instead was forced by Balrog to sell out to laundry detergent company and is now Gandalf the Sparkly White. PR whore. Next thing he'll be charging for pointy hat trick.

I have seen the light, and it is the VSD's...

Kills herself because she laughed so hard and woke the rents up.

moremoremoremoremoremoremoremoremoremorePlease? :D
I cannot put to words my feelings of warmth and cuddliness right now! This was wonderful!!!! It's good to see you have not lost an ounce of your touch since the last bunch!!! I hope the other ones are not far off!
He muttered something in Elvish that could have been "You're late" or could have been "Throw me down and shag me rotten." Not entirely sure which. Must brush up on Elvish as do not wish to presume.

*throws in vote for the latter*

Just as good as the first! And your character assassination of Faramir is less extreme than PJ's. And much more amusing.
\\proceeds to pimp comments page to all non-LJ-enabled friends and close relations\\

Oh, joyness! You have just lit up my Christmas with all sorts of fairy lights (no, not *those* kinds of fairies, more's the pity). . .and there is much rejoicing afoot.

Can't wait to see more of the VSDs, TTT-style. Woo-hah!
ROCK.

*throws rose petals at your feet*
Thank you Cassie! Wonderful! I'm going to squee until the slash cows come home.
*smug look* the slash cows have found their way to Middle Earth. W00t.

I <3 bendy hobbits. And loffly ikkle slashy Casslet. Muah.

*snerk*

Anonymous

14 years ago

Woo, waiting time's over.
Small, but perfectly formed! You deserve another halibut.
I adore it! I was just thinking about your very wonderful VSD and hoping there would be ones for TTT, and here it begins! My life is forfeit to your talent.
Standing on battlements of Helm's Deep. Absolutely ridiculous number of Orcs headed this way. Who are we kidding anyway. We are so fucked. Perhaps this place has a side door.

That was my favorite part. :D Great job Cassie, thanks for the laughter.

Deleted comment

Yes! More VSD! I am in bliss!! Must have more! Cannot wait for Eomer!
I don't know how you do it.

I couldn't help but watch the movie waiting for a VSD moment, and sadly could see none, as I felt the film to be too dark and intense. But YOU, you took the absolute gloomiest moment and made me squeal with laughter (my cat is quite upset at being woken up).

Day Fourteen

Standing on battlements of Helm's Deep. Absolutely ridiculous number of Orcs headed this way. Who are we kidding anyway. We are so fucked. Perhaps this place has a side door.


Cheers,
V.P.
-glee- Very good. -nodnod- ^-^

Deleted comment

Re:

flail

14 years ago

At least I know Sam will kill him if he tries anything.

Truely, my most favorite thing is how you manage to gracefully fit in the Sam line. I was all prepared to find another line to follow if you did another series of VSD's. But no, we get the Sam!

This was great too!

Theoden keeps muttering, "It's unbelievable!" about elf army. Was forced to agree --it is unbelievable that Haldir's eyebrows do not match his weave.
Thank you! You're back and in fine form.
Thank god you're back!
::explodes in a fit of overjoyed squeeage:: Thank you, Cassie! T'was absolutely hilarious. ::hugs:: I hope to see more soon.
::grins broadly:: Hell, that was lovely. Highly amusing. Can't wait to see the rest of 'em. ^.^
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