The original pervy hobbit fancier (cassieclaire) wrote,
The original pervy hobbit fancier
cassieclaire

covering all the world with a second slashiness

Ok. Have buckled like belt. Have written new VSD. Have committed character assasination on Faramir, but then if PJ can do it, so can I.

The Very Secret Diary of Aragorn, son of Arathorn, Part Two

Day One

Ran forty miles across Rohan. No squirrels to eat. Gimli looking about roasting size. Have been told dwarf tastes like chicken. Still not King.

Stubble update: satisfactory.

Day Two

Ran into army of Rohirrim. Asked Eomer if he knew where hobbits were. Got v. cagey answer. Perhaps Eomer still mad about that last bender I went on where I painted rude words in Elvish all over his horse. Decided not to mention he has obviously copied hairstyle from Legolas. He wouldn't be giving me this attitude if I were King.

Day Three

Once you've seen one pile of smoking dead Orcs, you've seen 'em all. That's all I'm sayin.'

Day Four

Ran into Gandalf. Turns out he did not actually die but instead was forced by Balrog to sell out to laundry detergent company and is now Gandalf the Sparkly White. PR whore. Next thing he'll be charging for pointy hat trick.

Day Six

In Edoras. King Theoden giving me attitude. He was all, "Are you King here? Last time I checked, I was King here. I'm lookin' around and I don't see anyone else with a crown on his head. Eh? Eh?"

Was forced to admit I am indeed still not King.

In revenge, stole his wallet when he was not looking and used it to open charge account at Gap of Rohan. Have bought matching poke bonnets for Gimli and Legolas.

Day Seven

Suspect Eowyn fancies me. Cannot blame her as stubble so manly is turning even self on.

Day Nine

Fell over cliff. Stupid wolves of Isengard. Think was rescued by Arwen but when woke up was kissing my horse. Bit of a squick there. Have lost favorite sparkly necklace in river. Feeling v. petulant as there is no such thing as bad jewelry. Well, maybe Ring.

Stubble update: wet.

Day Twelve

Triumphant return to Helm's Deep. Got hugged by Gimli. As if I needed to be reminded that he is belt buckle height yet again. Necklace returned to me by Legolas, yay! He muttered something in Elvish that could have been "You're late" or could have been "Throw me down and shag me rotten." Not entirely sure which. Must brush up on Elvish as do not wish to presume.

Still not King but too busy keeping up men's morale to brood. Upcoming battle should be piece of cake, really.

Day Fourteen

Standing on battlements of Helm's Deep. Absolutely ridiculous number of Orcs headed this way. Who are we kidding anyway. We are so fucked. Perhaps this place has a side door.

Day Fourteen, Later

Elves have sent army of most willowy and graceful warriors to assist us. Will be no use at fighting of course but at least I will die looking at something pretty. Theoden keeps muttering, "It's unbelievable!" about elf army. Was forced to agree --it is unbelievable that Haldir's eyebrows do not match his weave.

Keep trying to sneak out side door, but Gimli following me everywhere. Will never be King at this rate.

Day Fifteen

Unexpectedly victorious in battle of Helm's Deep, but celebration ruined by obnoxious postcard from Faramir, which included picture of himself on beaches of Osgiliath with tiny Ringbearer and fat companion, sharing a pina colada and wearing colorful shorts. Postcard reads:

Dear Aragorn,

Thanks for the Ring and the hobbits. They are small, but v. bendy. Just what I always wanted! Still have fond memories of that night we spent together in Minas Tirith. Love and kisses, Faramir.


God damn Faramir. Might as well just have let Boromir have the Ring and cut out the middleman. At least I know Sam will kill him if he tries anything.

Still not King.

***
Subscribe
  • Post a new comment

    Error

    Comments allowed for friends only

    Anonymous comments are disabled in this journal

    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded 

  • 300 comments
Previous
← Ctrl ← Alt
Next
Ctrl → Alt →
They're baaaaaaaaack...

He muttered something in Elvish that could have been "You're late" or could have been "Throw me down and shag me rotten." Not entirely sure which.

Subtext Police vote for the latter.
HooHAA!

Thanks.
Hurrah! They are back! I'm a latecomer to these, but I promise I am a huge, huge fan.

He was all, "Are you King here? Last time I checked, I was King here. I'm lookin' around and I don't see anyone else with a crown on his head. Eh? Eh?" Was forced to admit I am indeed still not King.
LOL

Thank you.

P.S. A few very kind people were comparing me to you for this silly parody thing, which is ridiculous since you are way better, but I just wanted to say that it was one of the coolest compliments they could have come up with.
I just finished watching this movie 20 minutes ago. Having read this made my day complete. Thank-you for returning! :)
That was disturbing and beautiful and all kinds of funny. :-D

He muttered something in Elvish that could have been "You're late" or could have been "Throw me down and shag me rotten." Not entirely sure which.

Being that I'm fluent in elvish, it is the latter.
I almost choked to death on my cough drop, I was laughing so hard.

Cheers,
Peg
Think was rescued by Arwen but when woke up was kissing my horse. Bit of a squick there.

Oh Jaysus! I so went there during the movie!

Thanks; I've been looking forward to this!

Anonymous

December 22 2002, 21:34:04 UTC 14 years ago

Wow, that was quick. Am much impressed, and as always, highly amused. God, I nearly died :3 Can't wait... must... have... more...
*Stubble* Wheeeeeeeeeee!

Blue =^..^=

You live! Hurrah! XD
"Gandalf the Sparkly White" *falls over dead* x_x Where do you come up with this stuff?!
Will you marry me? Oh my god. I first read these in an email forwarded to me... then read them happily when I found this...

I saw a sneak preview of TTT on the 17th, at 10 PM. The two friends with me and I were talking about the VSDs (THE PURPLE DRESS!!!) and how we couldn't wait to see more. XD
OK, so the purple dress joke was my fault. I still think Elrond would have looked better in it than Arwen did. :)
I only just read your EPIC entry about giving you some time for the VSD's, and had only just processed it in my mind that I would have to... *pauses for effect, then forgets what he was going to say, ponders, wonders and concieves to retrieve from a fickle mind. Gets a flash of insight, and continues on with his point. Yay!*...WAIT for more to arrive... *shudder*

Then I open up this LJ just to make a routine check, and I see the delight of Aragorn's stubble checks and brooding for not being king!! "You are full of surprises, master Baggins... er... miss Claire!" Bravo, and I eagerly drool for your next instalment... whenever you choose that to be, of course *wink, wink*

Namárië, and stay delightfully fresh...

--Azz.

P.S. "PR Whore!!!" :)) I was cackling it that one like you wouldn't BUH-LEEVE!!!... it's the little things that make your VSD's remain master of all the shoddy imitations. I love your work, Cassie, and I hope you never stop writing.
Fan-fuckin-tastic! I love Day 6. Wouldn't want to presume... I can't say that I've been waiting months for this, as some other readers have, as I first read the VSD about 7 hours before seeing the midnight showing of TTT, but it's still sweet. You are a hilarious writer, in both fandoms that you partake in. Although you've probably heard it many, many, many times before, you're VSD are so great that I cannot watch the movies without words from them popping into my head. On my second viewing of TTT, when Legolas has that "you look horrible" (or similar) line, I half-shouted "Go me! Still the prettiest," and at least 6 people other than my friend beside me laughed. That's far-reaching (more far-reaching than the arm of bad-guys, too). So I just wanted to tell you how fantabulous you and you're writing are.
YAY!! More Secret Diaries! ^_^

Uh, oh. T-shirts gone from Cafepress site. Cannot order one (or more) now. Should have ordered earlier in month. -_-

What's a Pervy VSD Fancier to do?.... -_-
CASSIE'S BACK!!!!!

*does ridiculously uncoordinated happy dance*
*picks self up off floor clutching what used to be intact rib cage*

Cassie, you never lose that magic touch - just hilarious. I expect instalments from every internet cafe in the UK (and Amsterdam perhaps? Just the elderly Dutch pervert in me speaking). Go you!
Previous
← Ctrl ← Alt
Next
Ctrl → Alt →