The original pervy hobbit fancier (cassieclaire) wrote,
The original pervy hobbit fancier
cassieclaire

covering all the world with a second slashiness

Ok. Have buckled like belt. Have written new VSD. Have committed character assasination on Faramir, but then if PJ can do it, so can I.

The Very Secret Diary of Aragorn, son of Arathorn, Part Two

Day One

Ran forty miles across Rohan. No squirrels to eat. Gimli looking about roasting size. Have been told dwarf tastes like chicken. Still not King.

Stubble update: satisfactory.

Day Two

Ran into army of Rohirrim. Asked Eomer if he knew where hobbits were. Got v. cagey answer. Perhaps Eomer still mad about that last bender I went on where I painted rude words in Elvish all over his horse. Decided not to mention he has obviously copied hairstyle from Legolas. He wouldn't be giving me this attitude if I were King.

Day Three

Once you've seen one pile of smoking dead Orcs, you've seen 'em all. That's all I'm sayin.'

Day Four

Ran into Gandalf. Turns out he did not actually die but instead was forced by Balrog to sell out to laundry detergent company and is now Gandalf the Sparkly White. PR whore. Next thing he'll be charging for pointy hat trick.

Day Six

In Edoras. King Theoden giving me attitude. He was all, "Are you King here? Last time I checked, I was King here. I'm lookin' around and I don't see anyone else with a crown on his head. Eh? Eh?"

Was forced to admit I am indeed still not King.

In revenge, stole his wallet when he was not looking and used it to open charge account at Gap of Rohan. Have bought matching poke bonnets for Gimli and Legolas.

Day Seven

Suspect Eowyn fancies me. Cannot blame her as stubble so manly is turning even self on.

Day Nine

Fell over cliff. Stupid wolves of Isengard. Think was rescued by Arwen but when woke up was kissing my horse. Bit of a squick there. Have lost favorite sparkly necklace in river. Feeling v. petulant as there is no such thing as bad jewelry. Well, maybe Ring.

Stubble update: wet.

Day Twelve

Triumphant return to Helm's Deep. Got hugged by Gimli. As if I needed to be reminded that he is belt buckle height yet again. Necklace returned to me by Legolas, yay! He muttered something in Elvish that could have been "You're late" or could have been "Throw me down and shag me rotten." Not entirely sure which. Must brush up on Elvish as do not wish to presume.

Still not King but too busy keeping up men's morale to brood. Upcoming battle should be piece of cake, really.

Day Fourteen

Standing on battlements of Helm's Deep. Absolutely ridiculous number of Orcs headed this way. Who are we kidding anyway. We are so fucked. Perhaps this place has a side door.

Day Fourteen, Later

Elves have sent army of most willowy and graceful warriors to assist us. Will be no use at fighting of course but at least I will die looking at something pretty. Theoden keeps muttering, "It's unbelievable!" about elf army. Was forced to agree --it is unbelievable that Haldir's eyebrows do not match his weave.

Keep trying to sneak out side door, but Gimli following me everywhere. Will never be King at this rate.

Day Fifteen

Unexpectedly victorious in battle of Helm's Deep, but celebration ruined by obnoxious postcard from Faramir, which included picture of himself on beaches of Osgiliath with tiny Ringbearer and fat companion, sharing a pina colada and wearing colorful shorts. Postcard reads:

Dear Aragorn,

Thanks for the Ring and the hobbits. They are small, but v. bendy. Just what I always wanted! Still have fond memories of that night we spent together in Minas Tirith. Love and kisses, Faramir.


God damn Faramir. Might as well just have let Boromir have the Ring and cut out the middleman. At least I know Sam will kill him if he tries anything.

Still not King.

***
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You have no idea how badly I needed that laugh!
IT'S BACK!!! HURRAAAY!

God, I LOVE THESE!

Thank you, thank you, thank you!
*chuckles apreciatively*

Man has a serious king complex. Can't wait to see what you write for him when he finally is king.

Lovely as always Cassie.
I was thinking the exact same thing the other day!!!!

Can you imagine it? The power trip? The EGO?!?! "Guess who's king? Go on, guess. Bah, you're taking too long... I am king! That's right, me. King!! Me!!! Always knew it would come to this, but dayum!"

Either that, or he will be so very excited that it finally happened... that he might just have an anyerism, and just collapse... some heroes just don't know how to take good news, sadly. Tsk, tsk.

"It's good to be the king." --Mel brooks.

Re:

laurensnape

14 years ago

dotiscute

14 years ago

I knew you couldn't resist. Great as always, thanks for the laughs t00blet.

Think was rescued by Arwen but when woke up was kissing my horse. Bit of a squick there.

I so thought he was going to kiss the horse there.
Hilarious as usual, Cassie. I can't wait for the Legolas/Gimili moments.
Heh.

Have bought matching poke bonnets for Gimli and Legolas.

What's with the poke bonnets these days, C?
As long as she doesn't try writing Little House slash.

Penny *would* kill her if she tried anything.
I love these; thank you so much!
Brilliant. *snigger*

He muttered something in Elvish that could have been "You're late" or could have been "Throw me down and shag me rotten." Not entirely sure which. Must brush up on Elvish as do not wish to presume.

Aragorn should know very well what Legolas wants. Even if some of his Elvish isn't quite up to naughty-talks-with-Arwen standard.
::happy sigh::

All I have to say is... thank you. Thank you so, so much.
CASSIE IS BAAAAAAAAACK! :D I've been wanting v. badly to see more of these Diaries, and wishes DO come true! Merry Christmas!

Wheeee...can't wait to see Haldir get killed...

Deleted comment

Brilliant, yet again!

Yay, more secret diaries!
OMFG! I just came back from my 3rd viewing... LMAO! Awesome!
Mind if I send this one out to my humor mailing list?
I can't wait for the rest.
*bounces* W00t! It's back! Oh my, I loved this! Especially "Was forced to admit I am indeed still not King" and "At least I know Sam will kill him if he tries anything". Ahhh, am so very happy right now. =D
Ah, the long wait has ended.

That Gap of Rohan pun was painful. Good work! :-)
Thank you.
Was having very crappy day. (stupid migraine)

Am extremely happy now. (Would do Happy Dance, but have been told by close friend that it is very disturbing.)

In revenge, stole his wallet when he was not looking and used it to open charge account at Gap of Rohan.

::snicker::
YOU POSTED!!

this was EXCELLENT!!

can't wait for more!!!

GREAT JOB!
Wonderful!

Thank you!

All through the films I was thinking

"Oh We'll hear about that in the VSD!"

Made the film even better :-)

*Hugs*
maybe i could post something if i could stop screaming...!!! oh thats good, thats very good.
Heh heh heh. *Snerk*
Hilarious stuff!!! Thanks for the laugh!!!

Anonymous

December 23 2002, 02:05:15 UTC 14 years ago

I love you, Cassie. That is all.

-Joanna
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