The original pervy hobbit fancier (cassieclaire) wrote,
The original pervy hobbit fancier
cassieclaire

covering all the world with a second slashiness

Ok. Have buckled like belt. Have written new VSD. Have committed character assasination on Faramir, but then if PJ can do it, so can I.

The Very Secret Diary of Aragorn, son of Arathorn, Part Two

Day One

Ran forty miles across Rohan. No squirrels to eat. Gimli looking about roasting size. Have been told dwarf tastes like chicken. Still not King.

Stubble update: satisfactory.

Day Two

Ran into army of Rohirrim. Asked Eomer if he knew where hobbits were. Got v. cagey answer. Perhaps Eomer still mad about that last bender I went on where I painted rude words in Elvish all over his horse. Decided not to mention he has obviously copied hairstyle from Legolas. He wouldn't be giving me this attitude if I were King.

Day Three

Once you've seen one pile of smoking dead Orcs, you've seen 'em all. That's all I'm sayin.'

Day Four

Ran into Gandalf. Turns out he did not actually die but instead was forced by Balrog to sell out to laundry detergent company and is now Gandalf the Sparkly White. PR whore. Next thing he'll be charging for pointy hat trick.

Day Six

In Edoras. King Theoden giving me attitude. He was all, "Are you King here? Last time I checked, I was King here. I'm lookin' around and I don't see anyone else with a crown on his head. Eh? Eh?"

Was forced to admit I am indeed still not King.

In revenge, stole his wallet when he was not looking and used it to open charge account at Gap of Rohan. Have bought matching poke bonnets for Gimli and Legolas.

Day Seven

Suspect Eowyn fancies me. Cannot blame her as stubble so manly is turning even self on.

Day Nine

Fell over cliff. Stupid wolves of Isengard. Think was rescued by Arwen but when woke up was kissing my horse. Bit of a squick there. Have lost favorite sparkly necklace in river. Feeling v. petulant as there is no such thing as bad jewelry. Well, maybe Ring.

Stubble update: wet.

Day Twelve

Triumphant return to Helm's Deep. Got hugged by Gimli. As if I needed to be reminded that he is belt buckle height yet again. Necklace returned to me by Legolas, yay! He muttered something in Elvish that could have been "You're late" or could have been "Throw me down and shag me rotten." Not entirely sure which. Must brush up on Elvish as do not wish to presume.

Still not King but too busy keeping up men's morale to brood. Upcoming battle should be piece of cake, really.

Day Fourteen

Standing on battlements of Helm's Deep. Absolutely ridiculous number of Orcs headed this way. Who are we kidding anyway. We are so fucked. Perhaps this place has a side door.

Day Fourteen, Later

Elves have sent army of most willowy and graceful warriors to assist us. Will be no use at fighting of course but at least I will die looking at something pretty. Theoden keeps muttering, "It's unbelievable!" about elf army. Was forced to agree --it is unbelievable that Haldir's eyebrows do not match his weave.

Keep trying to sneak out side door, but Gimli following me everywhere. Will never be King at this rate.

Day Fifteen

Unexpectedly victorious in battle of Helm's Deep, but celebration ruined by obnoxious postcard from Faramir, which included picture of himself on beaches of Osgiliath with tiny Ringbearer and fat companion, sharing a pina colada and wearing colorful shorts. Postcard reads:

Dear Aragorn,

Thanks for the Ring and the hobbits. They are small, but v. bendy. Just what I always wanted! Still have fond memories of that night we spent together in Minas Tirith. Love and kisses, Faramir.


God damn Faramir. Might as well just have let Boromir have the Ring and cut out the middleman. At least I know Sam will kill him if he tries anything.

Still not King.

***
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*dies laughing* I've waited months for this... brava, Cassandra Claire!

M <--- compelled to quote these to any listening family members ^__^
::dies of laughter::

::will respawn at next VSD entry::
All hail CassandraClaire!
*does sparkly white dance*

Anonymous

December 23 2002, 07:44:17 UTC 14 years ago

YAY! Heeheeheehee...:-D
Great. Just great.
*bounces in excitement* Yay, more VSDs!
*insane laughter*

god u are the queen! *bows down* i am not worthy! i am not worthy!

p.s. am also the little alison girl that emailed u, am now on chapter 11 of draco veritas! slashy goodness i hear *jumps up and down*
*squee*

Beautiful, wonderful, creative, hilarious...Cassie, you are brilliant!
You've already heard this from everybody, but, Yay! You rule!. Watched the movie for the first time on Saturday and thought of you, and hoped for more, and behold: there was more.

Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you.
Day Seven
Suspect Eowyn fancies me. Cannot blame her as stubble so manly is turning even self on.


That had me rolling on the floor! Go Cassie! Of course, now I won't be able to watch the movie again with a straight face. So glad you're back! :)
Can hardly wait for the next installment.

This is as good as it ever was. (=
OMG!!!!!!!!

This is SOOOOOO funny!!!!!!!

THANK YOU!
Dude! I love your stuff! That's so awesome!!!

~*Lynn*~
It is so great to see you back! What a nice thing to encounter this morning. Just caught the movie yesterday afternoon. Good job!
*cackles* I knew you would buckle. >:D
Can I take you home and keep you? ;) Seriously, the break between this VSD and the last really seems to have given your muse the rest she needed -- this was great!
At least I know Sam will kill him if he tries anything.

This thought occurred to me repeatedly while watching the movie. Not to mention, just before the Battle of Helmsdeep: "Could be worse, could be rainin' "

YES!

Anonymous

December 23 2002, 09:04:49 UTC 14 years ago

I was wondering when this would come out! You do a lovely job of these diaries! Very creative, and very humourous, cheers!
~S.
tria_elf@hotmail.com
Love it love it love it...

Oh, and btw you have completely warped my view of LotR forever. I spent the entire 3 hours of TTT thinking about how insanely jealous Sam looked whenever Frodo said anything nice about Gollum and noticing the chemistry between Legolas and Gimli. But really, I think it's much more enjoyable that way.
yduras linked this one and I'm very happy she did! Great work!
You're back! You're back! I knew you couldn't resist after seeing TTT! Ha.
Great work! Good to hear Aragorn, though still not king, has kept himself busy... and finally washed his hair. ;-)

Anonymous

December 23 2002, 09:18:03 UTC 14 years ago

This is so damn good! love these diarys! keep up the good work!
That was hilarious! Bravo!
I LOVE YOU
SQUEE! *glomps*
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