The original pervy hobbit fancier (cassieclaire) wrote,
The original pervy hobbit fancier
cassieclaire

covering all the world with a second slashiness

Ok. Have buckled like belt. Have written new VSD. Have committed character assasination on Faramir, but then if PJ can do it, so can I.

The Very Secret Diary of Aragorn, son of Arathorn, Part Two

Day One

Ran forty miles across Rohan. No squirrels to eat. Gimli looking about roasting size. Have been told dwarf tastes like chicken. Still not King.

Stubble update: satisfactory.

Day Two

Ran into army of Rohirrim. Asked Eomer if he knew where hobbits were. Got v. cagey answer. Perhaps Eomer still mad about that last bender I went on where I painted rude words in Elvish all over his horse. Decided not to mention he has obviously copied hairstyle from Legolas. He wouldn't be giving me this attitude if I were King.

Day Three

Once you've seen one pile of smoking dead Orcs, you've seen 'em all. That's all I'm sayin.'

Day Four

Ran into Gandalf. Turns out he did not actually die but instead was forced by Balrog to sell out to laundry detergent company and is now Gandalf the Sparkly White. PR whore. Next thing he'll be charging for pointy hat trick.

Day Six

In Edoras. King Theoden giving me attitude. He was all, "Are you King here? Last time I checked, I was King here. I'm lookin' around and I don't see anyone else with a crown on his head. Eh? Eh?"

Was forced to admit I am indeed still not King.

In revenge, stole his wallet when he was not looking and used it to open charge account at Gap of Rohan. Have bought matching poke bonnets for Gimli and Legolas.

Day Seven

Suspect Eowyn fancies me. Cannot blame her as stubble so manly is turning even self on.

Day Nine

Fell over cliff. Stupid wolves of Isengard. Think was rescued by Arwen but when woke up was kissing my horse. Bit of a squick there. Have lost favorite sparkly necklace in river. Feeling v. petulant as there is no such thing as bad jewelry. Well, maybe Ring.

Stubble update: wet.

Day Twelve

Triumphant return to Helm's Deep. Got hugged by Gimli. As if I needed to be reminded that he is belt buckle height yet again. Necklace returned to me by Legolas, yay! He muttered something in Elvish that could have been "You're late" or could have been "Throw me down and shag me rotten." Not entirely sure which. Must brush up on Elvish as do not wish to presume.

Still not King but too busy keeping up men's morale to brood. Upcoming battle should be piece of cake, really.

Day Fourteen

Standing on battlements of Helm's Deep. Absolutely ridiculous number of Orcs headed this way. Who are we kidding anyway. We are so fucked. Perhaps this place has a side door.

Day Fourteen, Later

Elves have sent army of most willowy and graceful warriors to assist us. Will be no use at fighting of course but at least I will die looking at something pretty. Theoden keeps muttering, "It's unbelievable!" about elf army. Was forced to agree --it is unbelievable that Haldir's eyebrows do not match his weave.

Keep trying to sneak out side door, but Gimli following me everywhere. Will never be King at this rate.

Day Fifteen

Unexpectedly victorious in battle of Helm's Deep, but celebration ruined by obnoxious postcard from Faramir, which included picture of himself on beaches of Osgiliath with tiny Ringbearer and fat companion, sharing a pina colada and wearing colorful shorts. Postcard reads:

Dear Aragorn,

Thanks for the Ring and the hobbits. They are small, but v. bendy. Just what I always wanted! Still have fond memories of that night we spent together in Minas Tirith. Love and kisses, Faramir.


God damn Faramir. Might as well just have let Boromir have the Ring and cut out the middleman. At least I know Sam will kill him if he tries anything.

Still not King.

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*Falls off chair laughing. Then gets back on chair and says in very small voice "I meant to do that"
Were you drunk when you wrote these too? ;-D
Very very cool.

@-'-,---------------
Ah, finally found the source of these things. They're very nice, but have been posted on far too many websites that don't give credit to the originator.

I eagerly await the rest of the two towers updates,
and perhaps consolidation of the FOTR and TTT portions on http://www.ealasaid.com/misc/vsd/

In any case, keep up the good work, the very secret diaries have been extremely entertaining thus far.
hee hee...

Gods I've been looking forward to these... It's going to be a very sad day when the third movie is over, and you have no more of these to write...

You are amazing.

Anonymous

December 23 2002, 03:03:53 UTC 14 years ago

Oh.My.God. Cassie, you are the best thing that happened to this little world of ours. I love you. Yessir, I do!

Paulina
XD XD XD

Oh my god, it's back, it's BAAAACK! *Glomps Diary and hugs it lots*

I want to see this postcard from Faramir. XD

Still not King. Am falling off chair with insane giggles. Must be healthy because it's beginning to hurt now. *Snerks most evilly*
Bits that particularly amused me...

Day 9. Fell over cliff.

There's just something so very funny about short matter of fact statements.

Have lost favorite sparkly necklace in river. Feeling v. petulant as there is no such thing as bad jewelry.

Aragorn being petulant amuses me.

Got hugged by Gimli. As if I needed to be reminded that he is belt buckle height yet again.

Eew!

Upcoming battle should be piece of cake, really

Heh. Well let's see how he deals with this little slice!

Elves have sent army of most willowy and graceful warriors to assist us. Will be no use at fighting of course but at least I will die looking at something pretty.

Mwah.

Anonymous

December 23 2002, 04:56:30 UTC 14 years ago

I love you! I love you! I love you! ... Please let be bear your little red-headed babies!!!!!

Yin :)
(who has gone from pervy hobbit fancier to pervy cassie fancier)
*ROFLMAO* Thank you for brightening a dreary Monday morning with some really scary stuff.
AHHHHH An otherwise bleak week has been brightened with the advent of the VSD's! :) YAY! *FUZZLES Cassie in thanks for the laughs*

*Adores Gandalf the sparkly white* :)
*falls upon Cassie* mwah

I wore my "Still not king" shirt to see TTT, but alas, there didn't seem to be any other VSD readers in my region to giggle over it. *pout* That's still one of my v. favorite lines, though - so I really loved this. Esp as you worked in Theoden's snarky line. Hah! And then the Legolas moment....

Thank you, thank you!
*g* My cousin and I wore our VSD shirts to TTT, and were recognized. One girl went, "STILL THE PRETTIEST!" =D
Oh my goodness! Thank you so much for writing this! This has really cheered me up!
Wohooo! Go you.
covering all the world with a second slashiness

w00t! *dies*

Ok. Have buckled like belt. Have written new VSD.

Ha! Go you!

Have committed character assasination on Faramir, but then if PJ can do it, so can I.

You betcha! Yours, at least, is amusing!!

And enjoy England! Agree with rhiannon333 that you must update while you're across the pond in internet cafes!
*worships*

The long wait is over.

THIS is how to start a Monday. Yes.

Yay, the VSDs are back for more! <does a happy dance>

I was expecting to see this quote from the movie, though: "Toss me, but don't tell the elf." That was soo screaming for Aragorn to go "Yes! But do we have time?" Or something.

Nevertheless, excellent resumption of your diary-recording.

Also, I've been keeping slightly-reformatted text versions of your diaries, because I tend to prefer text (none of this newfangled HTML crap :) and because your LJ theme is a bit difficult to read. Would you have objections to me putting those up on my website for other interested people? (Not, of course, that anyone visits my website, but still...)

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