The original pervy hobbit fancier (cassieclaire) wrote,
The original pervy hobbit fancier

covering all the world with a second slashiness

Ok. Have buckled like belt. Have written new VSD. Have committed character assasination on Faramir, but then if PJ can do it, so can I.

The Very Secret Diary of Aragorn, son of Arathorn, Part Two

Day One

Ran forty miles across Rohan. No squirrels to eat. Gimli looking about roasting size. Have been told dwarf tastes like chicken. Still not King.

Stubble update: satisfactory.

Day Two

Ran into army of Rohirrim. Asked Eomer if he knew where hobbits were. Got v. cagey answer. Perhaps Eomer still mad about that last bender I went on where I painted rude words in Elvish all over his horse. Decided not to mention he has obviously copied hairstyle from Legolas. He wouldn't be giving me this attitude if I were King.

Day Three

Once you've seen one pile of smoking dead Orcs, you've seen 'em all. That's all I'm sayin.'

Day Four

Ran into Gandalf. Turns out he did not actually die but instead was forced by Balrog to sell out to laundry detergent company and is now Gandalf the Sparkly White. PR whore. Next thing he'll be charging for pointy hat trick.

Day Six

In Edoras. King Theoden giving me attitude. He was all, "Are you King here? Last time I checked, I was King here. I'm lookin' around and I don't see anyone else with a crown on his head. Eh? Eh?"

Was forced to admit I am indeed still not King.

In revenge, stole his wallet when he was not looking and used it to open charge account at Gap of Rohan. Have bought matching poke bonnets for Gimli and Legolas.

Day Seven

Suspect Eowyn fancies me. Cannot blame her as stubble so manly is turning even self on.

Day Nine

Fell over cliff. Stupid wolves of Isengard. Think was rescued by Arwen but when woke up was kissing my horse. Bit of a squick there. Have lost favorite sparkly necklace in river. Feeling v. petulant as there is no such thing as bad jewelry. Well, maybe Ring.

Stubble update: wet.

Day Twelve

Triumphant return to Helm's Deep. Got hugged by Gimli. As if I needed to be reminded that he is belt buckle height yet again. Necklace returned to me by Legolas, yay! He muttered something in Elvish that could have been "You're late" or could have been "Throw me down and shag me rotten." Not entirely sure which. Must brush up on Elvish as do not wish to presume.

Still not King but too busy keeping up men's morale to brood. Upcoming battle should be piece of cake, really.

Day Fourteen

Standing on battlements of Helm's Deep. Absolutely ridiculous number of Orcs headed this way. Who are we kidding anyway. We are so fucked. Perhaps this place has a side door.

Day Fourteen, Later

Elves have sent army of most willowy and graceful warriors to assist us. Will be no use at fighting of course but at least I will die looking at something pretty. Theoden keeps muttering, "It's unbelievable!" about elf army. Was forced to agree --it is unbelievable that Haldir's eyebrows do not match his weave.

Keep trying to sneak out side door, but Gimli following me everywhere. Will never be King at this rate.

Day Fifteen

Unexpectedly victorious in battle of Helm's Deep, but celebration ruined by obnoxious postcard from Faramir, which included picture of himself on beaches of Osgiliath with tiny Ringbearer and fat companion, sharing a pina colada and wearing colorful shorts. Postcard reads:

Dear Aragorn,

Thanks for the Ring and the hobbits. They are small, but v. bendy. Just what I always wanted! Still have fond memories of that night we spent together in Minas Tirith. Love and kisses, Faramir.

God damn Faramir. Might as well just have let Boromir have the Ring and cut out the middleman. At least I know Sam will kill him if he tries anything.

Still not King.

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AHHHHH i worship you! *bows*



December 23 2002, 17:56:14 UTC 14 years ago

Have committed character assasination on Faramir, but then if PJ can do it, so can I.

And all that is left to do is laugh..... thanks, Cassie, you darling thing, for taking some of the sting away, after viewing the slanderous drivel that is PJ's idea of storytelling. At least yours is funny!


December 23 2002, 18:41:09 UTC 14 years ago

yay! the diaries are back! yay yay yay!
Speaking as someone who wore her Pervy Elf Fancier VSD t-shirt to TT and had people actually knowing where the quote came from, welcome back! "And so it begins ..." again!
so funny,me wants more LOL
*freaks out*


lol, these should be made into a movie or something

Oh VSD's, how did I miss thee?

That Gap of Rohan joke was priceless. ^_^ Am anxiously awaiting more. Was ecstatic when I found out you finally updated. *cough* do gollum next *cough*

Good times. :D
I love you The diaries rock! Can't wait for more. -MelfinatheBlue
Well now that a million people have already responded to this, you probably won't even see this comment but I'm sure you've gotten the point already that everyone is thilled to death that you've written a new VSD. Thank you for brightening our day and we hope for many more VSDs to come!



December 23 2002, 22:53:14 UTC 14 years ago

Yeah for a new VSD!!!! You rock, Cassie, and LMAO!!! Very small but bendy...

*bursts out laughing* Oh oh god that was so good!

~~Once you've seen one pile of smoking dead Orcs, you've seen 'em all.~~

I think I woke the whole house up laughing at that one! And well all the rest of it *snickers*
Cassie, you undeniably rock the socks, dude.

Oh I have soooooo missed these! ^_^



December 24 2002, 00:09:18 UTC 14 years ago

So glad you're back! I've only seen the movie once and have to go back, because I was so distracted thinking about what you would do with the new characters and scenes. Can't wait to see more VSDs!
Absolutely brilliant. Love it. HILARIOUS. Was beyond excited for TTT to come out and almost as excited knowing what that meant-- new VSDs!!! Hurrah!
That's great! I can't wait for more diaries! (please do Haldir! Pleeeese?!)



December 24 2002, 03:43:47 UTC 14 years ago

I was checking your page as I do every day, didn't expect TSD!!!!
Have a beautiful Christmas!!!! You make mine so! ***

From Venice Italy

New number on fan her. I love journals that make me piss myself laughing.

"In revenge, stole his wallet when he was not looking and used it to open charge account at Gap of Rohan. Have bought matching poke bonnets for Gimli and Legolas."

The image of Elf & Dwarf in matching bonnets is oddly haunting...

You still got it.
OMG! My face hurts from laughing!
You're absofuckinglutely brilliant. I cannot say more.

(ps - if you're still interested in VSD buttons, I have the parts now and the free time! tempest at fluidartist dot com)
I must admit that I couldn't watch the movie with a straight face. I kept seeing the VSD as the movie was playing. All those long glances between Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli; the silent long looks between Sam and Frodo.

And Gollum! I kept hearing "Sam will kill him if he tries anything". And as for the silly bit with the buckling of Aragorn's armor and belts and belts and belts... My family could not understand why I kept snickering throughout the whole Haldir death scene...silly git, eyebrows don't match his hair!

Keep on writing Cassie! I'll keep laughing!

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