The original pervy hobbit fancier (cassieclaire) wrote,
The original pervy hobbit fancier

covering all the world with a second slashiness

Ok. Have buckled like belt. Have written new VSD. Have committed character assasination on Faramir, but then if PJ can do it, so can I.

The Very Secret Diary of Aragorn, son of Arathorn, Part Two

Day One

Ran forty miles across Rohan. No squirrels to eat. Gimli looking about roasting size. Have been told dwarf tastes like chicken. Still not King.

Stubble update: satisfactory.

Day Two

Ran into army of Rohirrim. Asked Eomer if he knew where hobbits were. Got v. cagey answer. Perhaps Eomer still mad about that last bender I went on where I painted rude words in Elvish all over his horse. Decided not to mention he has obviously copied hairstyle from Legolas. He wouldn't be giving me this attitude if I were King.

Day Three

Once you've seen one pile of smoking dead Orcs, you've seen 'em all. That's all I'm sayin.'

Day Four

Ran into Gandalf. Turns out he did not actually die but instead was forced by Balrog to sell out to laundry detergent company and is now Gandalf the Sparkly White. PR whore. Next thing he'll be charging for pointy hat trick.

Day Six

In Edoras. King Theoden giving me attitude. He was all, "Are you King here? Last time I checked, I was King here. I'm lookin' around and I don't see anyone else with a crown on his head. Eh? Eh?"

Was forced to admit I am indeed still not King.

In revenge, stole his wallet when he was not looking and used it to open charge account at Gap of Rohan. Have bought matching poke bonnets for Gimli and Legolas.

Day Seven

Suspect Eowyn fancies me. Cannot blame her as stubble so manly is turning even self on.

Day Nine

Fell over cliff. Stupid wolves of Isengard. Think was rescued by Arwen but when woke up was kissing my horse. Bit of a squick there. Have lost favorite sparkly necklace in river. Feeling v. petulant as there is no such thing as bad jewelry. Well, maybe Ring.

Stubble update: wet.

Day Twelve

Triumphant return to Helm's Deep. Got hugged by Gimli. As if I needed to be reminded that he is belt buckle height yet again. Necklace returned to me by Legolas, yay! He muttered something in Elvish that could have been "You're late" or could have been "Throw me down and shag me rotten." Not entirely sure which. Must brush up on Elvish as do not wish to presume.

Still not King but too busy keeping up men's morale to brood. Upcoming battle should be piece of cake, really.

Day Fourteen

Standing on battlements of Helm's Deep. Absolutely ridiculous number of Orcs headed this way. Who are we kidding anyway. We are so fucked. Perhaps this place has a side door.

Day Fourteen, Later

Elves have sent army of most willowy and graceful warriors to assist us. Will be no use at fighting of course but at least I will die looking at something pretty. Theoden keeps muttering, "It's unbelievable!" about elf army. Was forced to agree --it is unbelievable that Haldir's eyebrows do not match his weave.

Keep trying to sneak out side door, but Gimli following me everywhere. Will never be King at this rate.

Day Fifteen

Unexpectedly victorious in battle of Helm's Deep, but celebration ruined by obnoxious postcard from Faramir, which included picture of himself on beaches of Osgiliath with tiny Ringbearer and fat companion, sharing a pina colada and wearing colorful shorts. Postcard reads:

Dear Aragorn,

Thanks for the Ring and the hobbits. They are small, but v. bendy. Just what I always wanted! Still have fond memories of that night we spent together in Minas Tirith. Love and kisses, Faramir.

God damn Faramir. Might as well just have let Boromir have the Ring and cut out the middleman. At least I know Sam will kill him if he tries anything.

Still not King.

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*would make sensible reply but is too busy giggling insanely*
Thanks.. there is more right ;)

Can I even express how happy it makes me to be reading the VSD again? ;*)

Great as ever, rock on Cassie, I love it! Mmm, Legolas/Aragorn (am possibly quite obsessed with that certain pair...)
oh my god! thats amazing! genius! these are wonderful! ive read VSD many times and they always manage to cheer me up, thanks cas.



December 24 2002, 13:45:01 UTC 14 years ago

At helms deep they're URUK-HAI not Orcs but besides that GOOD JOB!
Read the books, you dope. Uruk-Hai ARE orcs. They're orcs crossed with Goblins, which the movie seems to imply are a kind of super-orc. Although in the Hobbit, Tolkien makes it clear that the Goblins are the inferior lot and "the great Orcs of the mountains" are the ones that kick ass.

Hmm. On second thought, confusion is understandable.
I squeed out loud when I saw this posted! YAY!


December 24 2002, 16:05:52 UTC 14 years ago

Glad to see you are back in action.
OHMYGOD CASSIE!!!!!!!!! I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!! *diews totally and completely*

I just love the FOTR VSDs.

And this is fucking hilarious!!

Daughter : Mom, why won't you stop laughing?
Me : ...reading... diaries... *heeheehee*
Daughter : Huh?
Me : Very Secret Diaries of Lord of the Rings characters... *gales of laughter*... made up, so funny!
Daughter : Anything that funny has to have cellophane wrap in it. Is there cellophane?

Daughter is eight. Not sure whether to be proud or frightened.
i was having hysterics during all the sad sweet intimate movie-parts, thinking of these journals.

Gollum rubs Frodo.
I laugh. People glare.
Sam glares at Gollum.
I curl up in my chair. People throw things.

& so on.
Goddamn, Cassie, you effin rock.
That's it. The VSD is going to conquer the entire Middle Earth (and our world too) again. I know you've got a lot of commentors and followers behind your back, Cassie, and you might never notice this entry... but can I add you to my list of friends? I am utterly obsessed with the Very Secret Diaries ever since.

Keep up the stunning pervy-fancy hand work!!!
Haha, incase you're looking for more praise, you got it right here.

Oh, and nice place you got here!
I say we call off the armies Gondor and Rohan and just distribute copies of the VSD among the orcs. They'll die laughing and Cassandra Claire will rule the world. Anyone second the vote?
I won't bother quoting my fave bits since others have beaten me to them long since (though I will profess a special fondness to Day 14's first entry and the postcard on Day 15), but I will mention that I've been spreading the VSD love and wore my "Everyone keeps hitting on me, cannot cope" shirt to TTT opening day (and will wear my "Sam will kill you if you try anything" shirt to my third viewing of same if my mother got it for me for Xmas like I asked her to). I'm eagerly awaiting all the next installments of this...

Deleted comment

Hi. You rock socks. MORE DIARIES!


December 25 2002, 12:16:59 UTC 14 years ago

I have loved these since the moment I innocently stumbled upon one last year.
Oh, how they have corrupted my views of the Lord of the Rings!
Keep up the good work!
*falls down and kisses Cassie's feet*

"...He muttered something in Elvish that could have been "You're late" or could have been "Throw me down and shag me rotten." "

I have just realised I am hugely in favour of Aragorn/Legolas slash. Yum. I swear, I have never read anything as funny as the VSDs. Or Draco in DV. *grins like a madwoman because she can't believe she's actually writing to THE Cassandra Claire...*
V. funny! Love it as usual....but why do you always pick on Legolas?


December 25 2002, 19:19:35 UTC 14 years ago

I was waiting almost as anxiously for the new VSDs as I was for the new film, and I wasn't disappointed. Loved the "Throw me down and shag me rotten" line. Almost had to leave the cinema in a fit of giggles when Legolas said "you look terrible" - all I could think was "still the prettiest". All you fault.

Keep it up!



December 25 2002, 21:41:01 UTC 14 years ago

Absolutely fantastic! I have been looking forward to new additions to VSD...can't wait to read more :D
That is soooo wrong. Do it again!


December 25 2002, 23:39:22 UTC 14 years ago

*de-lurks from many months of Cassie-LJ stalking*
Had a VSD "Still not King" moment when I was watching the Theoden/Aragorn conversation as well, and am glad to see it here in the canon Very Secret Diary of Aragorn:

In Edoras. King Theoden giving me attitude. He was all, "Are you King here? Last time I checked, I was King here. I'm lookin' around and I don't see anyone else with a crown on his head. Eh? Eh?"

Was forced to admit I am indeed still not King.

*schnoogles Cassie for TTT VSD*

That was very amusing.

"He muttered something in Elvish that could have been "You're late" or could have been "Throw me down and shag me rotten." "

Thank you for that.
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