The original pervy hobbit fancier

The Very Secret Diary of Legolas

Sun, 02 Mar 2003 01:04:40 GMT

This seems ill-advised. And yet, I am compelled. So here you go:

The Very Secret Diary of Legolas

Day One: Whee!

Day Two: I like to run!

Day Three: I look good when I run!

Day Four: I also look good standing still. Running across Riddermark v. good excercise. I swear my butt has just gotten firmer. Is that even possible?

Day Six: Is Gimli staring at my butt?

Day Seven: No wonder he's always lagging behind.

Day Eight: Unnerving moment when bumped into Eomer. Thought he might be prettier than me until he took off helmet. Fortunately he looks like an aardvark. He hit on Gimli but I warned him right off. Nobody tries it on with my dwarf.

Am still the prettiest.

Day Nine: Pile of dead and smoking Orc corpses so not pretty. Aragorn showed off and went on and on regarding hobbits laying about tied up. Do not know why he thinks kinky hobbit games so important.

Still prettiest.

Day Ten: Bother! Fangorn Forest. Leaf mold terrible for my complexion.

Still prettiest but a bit on clammy, unwashed side.

Day Eleven: Bumped into Gandalf who is all sparkly white now. Asked him, "Who do you have to blow to get last bottle of bleach in Middle Earth anyway?" Gandalf said, "The Balrog." So not worth it.

Am rethinking, though. Roots are showing.

Still prettiest although at this rate for how long?

Day Twelve: Asked Gandalf for Balrog's number. Gandalf said I couldn't call him. I told him not to be jealous and posessive. He said he wasn't, it was just that he killed Balrog last week.

Note to self: never date Gandalf.

Day Fifteen: Arrived in Edoras. V. upset. Suspect Eowyn may be prettier than me. Most unexpected as always thought shield-maidens were more hefty, pear-shaped types.

Not the prettiest! V. bitter.

Day Nineteen: Aragorn stood up to Theoden today. Aragorn so butch. Have goosebumps.

Day Twenty: Poke bonnet absolutely hideous. No longer even remotely pretty. Considering suicide.

Day Twenty-seven: Exeunt Aragorn, pursued by wolves of Isengard. On con side: Am stuck with ugly necklace. On pro side: No longer have to wear poke bonnet. Am pretty again!

Day Twenty-nine: Aragorn back. Apparently taking header off cliff not as deadly as one would have thought. Told him to throw me down and shag me senseless, but he just clapped me on the shoulder in a manly fashion and said, "Yeah, it can get a little chapped sometimes but just put some lotion on it."

Aragorn just kind of a wanker, really.

Day Twenty-Nine: Battle of Helm's Deep so embarassing. If was not bad enough to face thought of death at the hands of smelly Orcs in backwater rural province, have now been saved at zero hour by Haldir showing up with really bad weave.

On plus side, Eowyn stuck in rancid cave. Perhaps will develop cave blight. Then I will be prettiest forever.

Day Thirty Battle over. Gandalf always fashionably late it seems. Hopes for after-battle quickie dashed because Aragorn sulking over postcard from Faramir. Is jealous over Ringbearer. Told him Sam will kill Faramir if he tries anything but Aragorn not cheered up.

Sod him. Have received suggestive note from Eomer. Will go see if what they say about men of Riddermark is actually true.

No one has bothered to get Eowyn out of cave yet. Still the prettiest by far!

clearing things up, apology

Tue, 11 Feb 2003 18:30:05 GMT

Man, 426 comments on my last entry and it was kind of a lame one. O_O

I am sorry I haven't written another very secret diary. There is no particular reason for this, I just got out of the swing of things while in England and have been on actual work deadline since I got back, so it has kind of slipped my mind. *cower* I haven't even looked at this LJ in ages.

I did write half of the Legolas diary on a bar napkin, which I will no go retrieve and try to do something with. Someone also asked me if I had gotten a Cease and Desist letter from the Tolkien people telling me to stop writing these. This posits an alternate universe in which they care about the Very Secret Diaries, but the answer to that would be, obviously, no I haven't. I don't know anything about how issues of fanfic stand in the LOTR fandom because I'm not in it, but there seem to be plenty of slash archives that exist with no issues so I can't imagine why TPTB would want this fairly mild stuff off the net. On top of which, obviously, if I had gotten a C and D I'd have had to take down what ALREADY exists, not just stop writing new material. That's how these things work, AFAIK. The only semi official missive I have ever recieved from anyone Tolkien related is a letter from the Tolkien Society saying they'd read the VDSs at a meeting and were amused.

I will continue posting the diaries here but eventually I'll probably take this LJ down and redirect everyone to the official archive site at http://home.nyu.edu/~amw243/diaries

*tools off to write Legolas diary, of which the first word is "Whee!"*

Wed, 25 Dec 2002 10:49:40 GMT

The Very Secret Diary of Theoden

Co-written with madlori, who is, as always, in inspiration to me in all things.

Day One

Desperately in need of new personal assistant. Have contacted Ninety Minute Minion Services in Isengard. Seems best bet as if minion does not arrive in ninety minutes you get free Orc. Do not actually know what would do with Orc if had one, so do hope minion arrives on time.

Day Two

New minion arrived. Not best looking bloke I've ever clapped eyes on, but then again, not everyone can be brainless pretty boy with big show-off ponytail like Eomer. Little does Eomer know Wormtongue has promised me new makeover with Saruman's personal line of beauty products. Has promised me I will look fresh and youthful.

Day Three

Is that a grey hair?

Day Four

New makeover gone horribly awry. Do not look fresh and youthful, instead resemble albino dwarf after two years pickling in the Dead Marshes.

Suspect Wormtongue has crush on Eowyn. Cannot blame him as Eowyn quite smoking. Don't know where she gets off being so high and mighty. Have told her - pose for Shield Maidens Gone Wild you must expect some male attention.

Day Six

Why has no one noticed I now resemble a weevil? Not has Eomer commented on my new mascara. Eomer so spoiled. "I want a party. I want a pony." Have banished him from Rohan for whining.

Day Seven

Have reversed opinion on makeover. Am now quite taken with new look, as is so alarming no one bothers me. Can sit on throne all day in peace. Much needed vacation. Citizens of Edoras so tiresome and unhygenic.

Day Eight

Vacation over. Gandalf arrived sporting alarming new makeover of his own. Gandalf no fun. Cannot abide anyone else having new and daring look. Prima Donna!

Brought along three boy toys of varying sizes. My squadron of hand picked bodyguards totally whupped by tiny hairy newt, pretty boy elf and unshaven tramp. Obviously, need better screening process.

Day Ten

Attacked by Orcs. Aragorn "No Skillz 2 Pay Da Billz" Son of Arathorn fell over cliff, thus avoiding sticking around for battle. So much for Hero King of Men.

Day Eleven

Have arrived at Helms Deep. Time for a nice long nap.

Day Eleven, Later

Nap disturbed by return of Aragorn, who is not so dead after all. Apparently, absolutely ridiculous number of Orcs headed this way. Morale of men not improved by Aragorn's craven attempts to sneak away through side door. Have misdirected him to wine cellar three times now. If I am not getting away from this, neither is he. Is all his fault anyway.

Am not sure how, but it is.

Day Thirteen

Where is the horse and the rider? No, seriously, where are they? That was my favorite horse.

Day Thirteen, Later

Losing battle spectacularly. Who is surprised? Not me.

Day Sixteen

Heroic self-sacrificing death scene ruined by arrival of Gandalf and still-insufferable Eomer. Why did Gandalf wait until dawn to arrive? Suspect is so he would be most attractively backlit while riding down hill. Drama Queen. Have gotten revenge on him by telling all my men Gandalf is wearing fishnets under white robe. First one who snaps his garter gets to snog Legolas.

Who wields the flame of Arnor now, you poncy tosser?

***

New VSD gear!

Tue, 24 Dec 2002 05:45:45 GMT

Hello, all! flourish here, and I have hax0red Casscat's journal! Or not. Actually, I'm here to announce that the VSD store is back, with new gear! So far we have up "Sam will kill you if you try anything" and "Still the prettiest" gear, but we're planning to follow it with more of the slogans you love so dearly.

What are you waiting for? For wrath! For ruin! For consumer culture! For character assassination! Forth Eorlingas!

EDIT: By the way, we really need to start a Haldir protection society. First Cassie calls him "gay as a spring parade," then she YMs me and calls him hideous... really! There have to be some other Haldir fans out there! Rally to me! Ignore Casscat's slander!

Edited by Cassie to say that: Haldir is HIDEOUS and his eyebrows don't match his wig. V. disturbing. I woul say more but I have to deal now with the horrible slander of titanic_days who is once again claiming that Elijah Wood "looks like a frog." That is not true. Although Eomer did resemble an aardvark.

Edited AGAIN by Flourish to say that: Everyone needs to join the Haldir Protection Society - savehaldir. It's an open community so go join and proclaim your Haldir love!

covering all the world with a second slashiness

Mon, 23 Dec 2002 05:09:54 GMT

Ok. Have buckled like belt. Have written new VSD. Have committed character assasination on Faramir, but then if PJ can do it, so can I.

The Very Secret Diary of Aragorn, son of Arathorn, Part Two

Day One

Ran forty miles across Rohan. No squirrels to eat. Gimli looking about roasting size. Have been told dwarf tastes like chicken. Still not King.

Stubble update: satisfactory.

Day Two

Ran into army of Rohirrim. Asked Eomer if he knew where hobbits were. Got v. cagey answer. Perhaps Eomer still mad about that last bender I went on where I painted rude words in Elvish all over his horse. Decided not to mention he has obviously copied hairstyle from Legolas. He wouldn't be giving me this attitude if I were King.

Day Three

Once you've seen one pile of smoking dead Orcs, you've seen 'em all. That's all I'm sayin.'

Day Four

Ran into Gandalf. Turns out he did not actually die but instead was forced by Balrog to sell out to laundry detergent company and is now Gandalf the Sparkly White. PR whore. Next thing he'll be charging for pointy hat trick.

Day Six

In Edoras. King Theoden giving me attitude. He was all, "Are you King here? Last time I checked, I was King here. I'm lookin' around and I don't see anyone else with a crown on his head. Eh? Eh?"

Was forced to admit I am indeed still not King.

In revenge, stole his wallet when he was not looking and used it to open charge account at Gap of Rohan. Have bought matching poke bonnets for Gimli and Legolas.

Day Seven

Suspect Eowyn fancies me. Cannot blame her as stubble so manly is turning even self on.

Day Nine

Fell over cliff. Stupid wolves of Isengard. Think was rescued by Arwen but when woke up was kissing my horse. Bit of a squick there. Have lost favorite sparkly necklace in river. Feeling v. petulant as there is no such thing as bad jewelry. Well, maybe Ring.

Stubble update: wet.

Day Twelve

Triumphant return to Helm's Deep. Got hugged by Gimli. As if I needed to be reminded that he is belt buckle height yet again. Necklace returned to me by Legolas, yay! He muttered something in Elvish that could have been "You're late" or could have been "Throw me down and shag me rotten." Not entirely sure which. Must brush up on Elvish as do not wish to presume.

Still not King but too busy keeping up men's morale to brood. Upcoming battle should be piece of cake, really.

Day Fourteen

Standing on battlements of Helm's Deep. Absolutely ridiculous number of Orcs headed this way. Who are we kidding anyway. We are so fucked. Perhaps this place has a side door.

Day Fourteen, Later

Elves have sent army of most willowy and graceful warriors to assist us. Will be no use at fighting of course but at least I will die looking at something pretty. Theoden keeps muttering, "It's unbelievable!" about elf army. Was forced to agree --it is unbelievable that Haldir's eyebrows do not match his weave.

Keep trying to sneak out side door, but Gimli following me everywhere. Will never be King at this rate.

Day Fifteen

Unexpectedly victorious in battle of Helm's Deep, but celebration ruined by obnoxious postcard from Faramir, which included picture of himself on beaches of Osgiliath with tiny Ringbearer and fat companion, sharing a pina colada and wearing colorful shorts. Postcard reads:

Dear Aragorn,

Thanks for the Ring and the hobbits. They are small, but v. bendy. Just what I always wanted! Still have fond memories of that night we spent together in Minas Tirith. Love and kisses, Faramir.

God damn Faramir. Might as well just have let Boromir have the Ring and cut out the middleman. At least I know Sam will kill him if he tries anything.

Still not King.

***

Sun, 01 Dec 2002 05:11:46 GMT

*unlocks journal, unbans everyone, opens windows and lets in sunlight*

*shower of dust falls on head*

*coughs*

Eighteen days.

Now to get around to seeing the extended cut of FOTR....

Sat, 15 Jun 2002 05:31:49 GMT

*snertle*

So TORN finally decided to link to me. Not that I minded. I just think it's funny...

"The Very Secret Diaries....
6/13/02, 6:40 pm EST - Tehanu

So secret that TORN wouldn't report on them....until now! If you've been wondering where the term 'Pervy Elf Fancier' came from originally, as well as a lot more current LOTR slang, visit this alternative-lifestyle version of Middle-earth to find out. If the term 'alternative lifestyle' means nothing to you, don't go there. Some language and situations may offend some of you, and kill the rest of you laughing."

Alternative lifestyle? And here I thought pervy hobbit-fancing had become mainstream. "Frodo Has Two Godfathers" and all that. :D

Thu, 30 May 2002 20:34:58 GMT

There will not be another Diary for a while. The reason for this is that the movie is no longer out in theaters. If I can't watch LOTR for reference, I really can't do another diary, since the diaries are movie-canon and it's too hard to do them from memory. I'll probably do another one when the DVD comes out, especially for deleted scenes.

Cassie out.

whee.

Tue, 07 May 2002 03:20:02 GMT

People have been asking about new Secret Diaries merchandise. Well....

http://www.cafeshops.com/cp/store.aspx?s=vsd01,vsd02,vsd03,vsd04,vsd05,vsd06,vsd07,vsd08,vsd09,vsd10,vsd11,vsd12,vsd13,vsd14,vsd15

Check it out. All of these designs are by Lar de Souza, who is a wonderful artist -- you might have seen his illustrations at the Encyclopedia Potterica on the Unofficial Harry Potter site. I'm so thrilled he drew for me!

*update* Have added Ringwrath shirts, Merry and Pippin shirts, etc.

giggles

Tue, 30 Apr 2002 19:17:45 GMT

Ahem, three things:

1) I note in my comments section that someone says Elijah has seen the VSD's. So Ashley and I are making him a shirt. Because we want to.

2) Am going to Ash Wednesday premiere in NYC on May 11. Yay!

3) People have been asking how old I am due to the LJ icon. Apparently they think that's me, and that I'm a very studious 30 or 40. I think this is hilarious. That's not me, that's a character from a fanfiction who also is called Cassandra, and has red hair. Since there seems great interest in the topic, I'm 24. Monica, the artist, is refusing to draw me a new userpic unless I get her an Elijah autograph at the Ash Wednesay premiere. She is a difficult ho. *smack* Anyone else want to draw me one?

4) Yes, I'm working on the Ring diary. Okay, so that was 4 things. Nyeah.

shock! surprise!

Thu, 25 Apr 2002 21:25:44 GMT

Frodo's my fancy!
What's your fancy? Click here and tell the world!

Amusing quiz. Was rather a shock to see the pics on LJs. Snicker.

sniffle

Mon, 22 Apr 2002 16:26:51 GMT

http://www.livejournal.com/talkread.bml?journal=pot_pal_ashley&itemid=14082

I can{t do proper links because Im in Costa Rica and I cannot get the bloody keyboard to work. No apostraphes either. However, I just wanted to do a shoutout to my Ashwise, who is a wonderful person and this weekend gave both Billy Boyd and Viggo Mortenson copies of the Diaries. I was initally sad to miss ICON, but I cant say Costa Rica isnt pretty nice ::grin:: and if I cannot go, then having Ash go is second best. I read her account and Im just so thrilled and touched that so many people like the Diaries, that they have become this weird ::thing:: that is so much bigger than me or my livejournal page. Anyway, hobbit hugs to you all and go give Ashley encouragement. (Current count of people who she has inflicted the Diaries on: Billy Boys, Ian McKellan, Viggo Mortenson, Peter Jackson, Fran Walsh. She should work in PR, she really should.) I was so happy reading her ICON description, I cried a bit. Of course, it was probably the tequila.

Cassio

wah!

Sat, 20 Apr 2002 01:25:53 GMT

I suppose nobody should complain about an all expenses paid trip to Costa Rica, but whyyyy did it have to be now, when I will miss all the cool things happening in NYC, like Viggo's book-signing, and the ICon thing, which okay, I don't really know what it is, but it sounds cool, (check out www.livejournal.com/users/pot_pal_ashley for more on the book signing) and how else am I supposed to meet other pervy hobbit fanciers? (And Diary fanciers?) if I don't get to go? ::snivels wretchedly:: We ought to have some kind of meet up for TT, we really ought.

Cassie, wibbling

pervy hobbit fancying, hurrah

Fri, 12 Apr 2002 05:22:21 GMT

*snerks* Am working on Ring diary. Am bad, unable to quit, diary addicted girl.

trailer. droool.

Sun, 31 Mar 2002 07:16:01 GMT

Secret Diary of Me:

Went to see LOTR yet again to catch TT preview footage. Brought along pervy elf fanciers queerasjohn and angiej and hobbit-fancying pot_pal_ashley to squee over the Frodo and Sam bits. Was mildly shocked to encounter several pervy Diary fanciers, apparently attracted by the radiant glow of Ashley's Sam Will Kill Me t-shirt. Shoutout to you Diary fans, especially the chick who gave me the Cadbury egg. Will always whore myself out for chocolate. Does that count as taking payment for fanfic?

Am still melted puddle of liquid fangirly glee after seeing footage. This pervy hobbit fancier thinks there was not enough Sam and Frodo, although the elf fanciers disagree. There was certainly plenty of Legolas. Legolas with his bow, Legolas running, Legolas running some more, run Legolas, run! Obviously whoever cut this footage together is not stupid. Note there was no Gimli. Poor Gimli.

None too impressed with Gandalf the White. No pointy hat. How can he do pointy hat trick? Also what with him being all in white and Saruman being in even more blinding white is beginning to resemble laundry bleach commercial. "No, Saruman! MY whites are brighter! AAAAAARGH!"

Am pleased to note that Aragorn, apparently not aware that this is a sequel, still hasn't washed his hair. What, no showers in Rohan? (John says, No, no, is not a sequel, is a continuation of one book in three volumes. Bite me, you pedant.) Aragorn says, Will not wash my hair until I am KING!

Verdict is in: Faramir v. hot. Apparently his screen time with Frodo and Sam has been greatly expanded upon to include more pervy hobbit-fancying. Okay, made up the last bit, but the more Faramir the better. Rampant tottie for everyone!

Despite gift of breeches, Galadriel being v. mean about Frodo. "The Quest will claim his life." Well, of course it will if you just sit there in Lothlorien doing nothing to help, you silly tiara-wearing bint. (Tiara looks better on Elrond, anyway.)

John wants to know who plays Denethor. Anyone? Bueller?

And lastly, Sam and Frodo, SQUEEE. (Shoutout to the WOTR.) Did you notice how close together they were sleeping while Gollum was sneaking up on them? They were practically holding hands. Gollum ought to know better; Sam will kill him if he tries anything.

***

a little bit of evil. Sauron's diary, finished.

Tue, 26 Mar 2002 01:40:03 GMT

The Secret Diary of Sauron

Dedicated to John, the sweetest loveliest guy who was ever hacked by a complete loser. And Alex, because he’s been sick. I mean ill. Oh, whatever.

Day One:

Dirty weekend with Elrond turned sour when I told him purple was not his color.

Day Five

Have been marched against by last alliance of men and nancing elves. Is transparent attempt by Elrond to get back at me for comment about purple. I will not take it back! I told him purple made him look like an eggplant, and it does. Is no need for him to get so shirty about it.

Day Six

Is not that being defeated by last alliance is so bad, is not even that being reduced to a disembodied eyeball is so bad, although Visine would be a comfort. But whose bright idea was it to slice onions in here?

-later-

Blast those orcs and their fondness for onion dip. Have taken their disco ball away. God, it's fun to be evil.

Day Three Million Five:

Am bored. Have been waiting for Middle-Earthlink guy to come and install DSL in Barad-Dur since second-age. Will use palantir as alternative to personal ads, as am lonely.

Day Three Million Seven:

I spy with my big-huge-nasty-flaming eye...something resembling a novelty dashboard ornament. Witch King of Angmar tells me it's a hobbit. Is rather cute. On the smallish side, but I'm hardly one to talk appearances these days.

Day Three Million Nine:

ARGH! That tiny bloke has MY RING!

later..

Have sent the nine to fetch ring back. If nine succeeds in sorting their elbows from asshats, that is.

Day Three Million Eleven:

Have met v. nice bloke over the palantir. An older gent, seems to have copied hairstyle from Galadriel, but no matter. He likes me for me. Finally someone to see past the eyeball. Will send him packet of glittery barrettes.

Day Three Million Thirteen:

Tried to ask Saruman over for dinner, but lost nerve at last moment and said some idiotic thing about building an army instead. Is somewhat amusing watching him play violin for orcs and goblin men in attempt to spark romance, so will not clear up confusion just yet.

Day Three Million Sixteen:

Wonder if Saruman becoming somewhat deaf? Told him I was hoping we could delineate boundaries of relationship, instead he defoliated Isengard.

Day Three Million Twenty:

Some bearded tart with pointy hat trying to horn in on my action. Hmmm. Ex-boyfriend?

Think Saruman may have put him in guest bedroom. Will have to ask S. to clarify.

Day Three Million Twenty-One:

Elrond having another of his disastrous parties. Why was not invited?
Just because have no body and cannot play twister with Legolas is no reason to snub me.

Day Three Million Twenty-Two:

Have been watching Fellowship through palantir. Ringbearer really v. pretty, I must admit, with big soulful eyes and little hairy feet. What I wouldn't give for a body and a shower-cap right now. Although bath-obsessed hobbit companion would probably kill me if I tried anything.

Day Three Million Twenty-Three:

Bored bored bored, so caught up on palantir-watching today. Lovely place, Moria, used to vacation there. Pointy-hatted ex-bf seemed nervous; sent word to Bob to keep an eye out. I mean a look out. I mean... oh bugger.

Day Three Million Twenty-Four:

No word back from Bob. Suspect he is moping. Never could sort out his love life. Always whining and writing in his journal. Bloody sensitive demon types, no use at all.

Day Three Million Twenty-Five:

Pointy hatted ex fell into shadow. Down with the competition! Ringbearer moping. Suspect Aragorn son of Arathorn might like to have a go at cheering him up. Apparently something of a pervy hobbit-fancier. So that’s why the blood of Numenor died out.

Day Three Million Twenty-Six:

Fellowship in Lothlorien. Oh god, Galadriel Galadriel Galadriel. It's always about HER. Paint my toenails, Sauron. Don't touch my hair, Sauron. I want a pretty ring, Sauron. Then she goes off with slabbish oaf Celeborn. Bet HE cannot forge twenty rings of Power.

Suspect bitch-slap fight brewing between Galadriel and Legolas as to which of them can nance around better while holding water pitcher. Cannot help but roll my eye over this. Time to toss some Jiffy Pop into Mount Doom and watch the fireworks.

later

Well, would you look at that dwarf getting it on with Celeborn. I tell you, three Million years on Middle-Earth and some things still surprise me.

Day Three Million Twenty-Nine:

Finally some decent fighting. Orcs killed : four hundred, v. bad. Humans killed : one. Go Uruk-Hai!

Is it just me, or is Aragorn son of Arathorn kinda gay?

Maybe is just me.

-----

This may be the last diary – I really need to get back to working on FictionAlley, a wonderful site run by lovely people, which I have horribly neglected lately. (If you've enjoyed reading these as much as I've enjoyed writing them, please make my day and
vote here for FA – they let you vote once a day so don’t worry if you already voted.) Whee! And thanks for liking the diaries so much -- it's been really fun. And course the diaries will be back in December, when TT comes out, and Sam gets to kill a whole bunch of new people when they try anything.

meep

Sun, 24 Mar 2002 04:57:29 GMT

Hey there. People have been asking me where my HP journal is, since this is the LOTR one. It's here. It's totally not a secret or anything; it's just that there won't be any diaries posted there, or any pervy hobbit-fancying. We fancy Draco there instead.

excerpt from Sauron's diary

Tue, 19 Mar 2002 20:15:17 GMT

The Secret Diary of Sauron

Day One: Dirty weekend with Elrond turned sour when I told him purple was not his color.

Day Five Have been marched against by last alliance of men and nancing elves. Is transparent attempt by Elrond to get back at me for comment about purple. I will not take it back! I told him purple made him look like an eggplant, and it does. Is no need for him to get so shirty about it.

Day Six Is not that being defeated by last alliance is so bad, is not even that being reduced to a disembodied eyeball is so bad, although Visine would be a comfort. But whose bright idea was it to slice onions in here?

-later-

Blast those orcs and their fondness for onion dip. Have taken their disco ball away. God, it's fun to be evil.

***

All right, more later. Thanks for all the supportive comments on the last post. I feel much cheerier. Now, if you really want to make me happy, :D you don't need to leave a comment, just vote for Fictionalley one the top sites page. (This I suppose is more for the HP ers than the LOTR ers.) It's a lovely site and it deserves to win. C'mon, have I ever asked you for anything? *winks*

The Very Secret Diary of Elrond

Fri, 01 Mar 2002 22:31:19 GMT

Was in weird mood when I wrote this one. Oh, my head. Poor Elrond.

The Very Secret Diary of Elrond

Day 1:

Bad breakup with Isildur. As if the pervy
hobbit-fancying wasn't bad enough, he would insist on wearing tacky gold jewelry against my advice. Confirms my suspicions that humans not just weakest race of Middle-Earth, but also cannot accessorize worth a damn.

NB: Big battle, we won, Sauron defeated. Plundered
Barad-dur but notable lack of pretty things to take
home. Sauron's decorating tastes definitely running
towards black, knobbly, tattered look. So not me.

Day 3:

Isildur set upon by orcs and killed. Told him his poor
dress sense would attract all the wrong sorts.

Day 2,0045:

So bored in Rivendell. Have decided to hold council
meeting and name it after myself. Will invite all
eligible males of Middle-Earth who have nothing better
to do on a weekend to come. Go me!

Hope Legolas does not attend; still remember party in
Second Age where he disappeared mysteriously, along
with two gallons of my favorite strawberry bath suds,
a bottle of olive oil, and three of those tiny
hobbit creatures from the Shire Isildur was so
strangely fond of.

Day 200048:

Drat. Legolas first one to RSVP to my party
invitation. Wish he would not use scented pink
stationary as makes me sneeze. Did however offer to
bring game of Twister to play. Along with disco ball I
borrowed from Sauron back in First Age, should make
for quite the party.

Day 200050:

Unexpected surprise as Gandalf stopped by, apparently
just to have a whinge about big fight he had with
Saruman. Tuned him out -- do I look like an Agony
Aunt? Why does everyone come to me with problems?

Day 200051:

Gandalf does not like Twister idea and has rejected my
suggestion of a polka music theme for the Council.
Instead insists we sit around and talk about boring
old fate of Middle Earth, defeat of ultimate evil,
blah blah blah. Don't see why we all have to suffer
just because Isildur couldn't give up his jewelry habit.

Day 200059:

Gandalf made me return disco ball to Sauron. Told me
to sort out my priorities. He should talk -- he's the
one who attracted a crowd this afternoon with that
pointy hat trick he likes to do. Glorfindel so
horrified by pointy hat trick he would not stop
sobbing spasmodically until was calmed by liberal
application of hobbit weed. New generation of elves
such wimps.

Day 200061:

Everyone finally arrived for party -- oh wait, I mean
boring-ass Secret Council Meeting. Ponced off myself
to have a sulk, and bumped into smallest hobbit
hanging about the greensward. Took him for inanimate
lawn ornament at first, but soon was furnished with
proof that he was very much alive. Says his name is
Pippin. Perhaps Isildur was onto something with all
those hobbits after all.

Day 200068:

All right, who's been using all my strawberry bath
bubbles?

Certainly wasn't Aragorn, judging by the state of
*his* hair.

Day 200071:

Loud giggly splashy noises emanating from first floor
bathroom. No one can get in. Legolas practicing his
nancing in the meeting hall, Boromir hanging about the
shards of Narsil, obviously hoping Aragorn will show
up, and Gandalf still breaking in new pointy hat.
Tried to have a quiet think in the garden only to
discover someone had dug up all the carrots. Is there
no peace to be had?

Day 200072:

Refused to let Arwen attend Council of Elrond, as if
she does, she will certainly notice I have borrowed
her tiara.

Tiara looks better on me anyway.

Day 200075:

Council very boring. Got to say "DOOM" a few times in
v. dramatic voice but am afraid Ringbearer
was not impressed as was busy fending off advances of
Aragorn, who was making all sorts of suggestive sword
comments. He better watch it. Sam will kill him if he
tries anything.

Tried to cheer self up by trying on favorite purple
dress of Arwen's, but am fairly sure someone was
watching as could hear tittering noise coming from
broom closet. Do not see what is so funny -- purple
dress looks fabulous on me.

Day 200076:

Fellowship leaving tomorrow. Decided to give Pippin
goodbye tour of Rivendell. In process, purple dress
got all stretched out of shape. Hope Arwen does not
notice -- she gets so grabby about her things, and
since they've closed the Gap of Rohan, probably no way
to get another dress like it.

Pippin told me purple is so my color. Go me!

Debating? Who's debating?

Tue, 19 Feb 2002 22:23:44 GMT

Those baby blues are SO sexy!

You're a child molestor! Or rather, a Hobbit molestor. Frodo may be upwards of 50 years old, but face it, he looks about 10. And that's exactly what makes you feel all tingly down there. You'll spend your days adoring his baby blues and debating whether or not to corrupt his innocence.

Hmph. Am not Hobbit molester. Am pervy hobbit-fancier.

Fri, 15 Feb 2002 19:21:42 GMT

*Ahem* So lately I've been getting a lot of emails from people asking if they can send me articles and make Pervy Hobbit Fancier T Shirts and things. My general attitude is, sure, make a PHF t-shirt, but send me one. So to that end, this is my address:

Cassandra Claire
61 East 8th Street, PMB #122
New York, NY, 10003

Now before Jeff gets too excited, this is a secured mailbox (everything gets gone through before I see it) which is registered not to me, but to my friend Ashley. So sending letter bombs or threatening the nice mail people will get you nowhere. Everyone else, feel free to bombard me with whatever weirdness you can cook up.

The Secret Diary of Arwen Undomiel

Fri, 15 Feb 2002 07:31:19 GMT

For ali_wildgoose, upon the occasion of her birthday.

NB: If you are new to the diaries, or just want to read them in order, go HERE:

http://diaries.diagon.org/

The Very Secret Diary of Arwen Undomiel

Day One

Broke up with Aragorn today. He would insist on giving me a clay pipe and a pair of breeches for Valentine’s Day when I specifically requested a nightie. Have sent him away from Rivendell.

Day Two

Bored and lonely. Regret having sent Aragorn away. So what if he wanted me to dress up in a curly wig and hop around on my knees during intimate moments? Am sure other humans have equally odd hangups. Wish I could be interested in Elf men, but ever since debacle with Glorfindel back in Second Age when he accused me of copying his hairstyle, have given up on my own kind.

Day Three

Someone’s been trying on my dresses again. They are all stretched out of shape, especially the purple one.

Day Six

Legolas got all shirty when I accused him of trying on my dresses. He says I have impugned his masculinity. What masculinity?

Day Eleven

Legolas still sulking. Says other elves making fun of him now since whole dress-trying-on-incident. Says they no longer take him seriously as a man. He must have missed it when Daddy called him “the gayest gay elf that ever nanced down the pike” at last Council meeting. Or maybe he just didn’t understand it; he’s awfully pretty, but not so bright.

Day Thirteen

Too, too, too bored. Perhaps will leave Rivendell in search of adventure, or shopping.

Day Fifteen

Went all the way to the Gap of Rohan only to find there is no Gap in Rohan. Not even a Banana Republic. False advertising!

Day Seventeen

Went to Bree. Asked Barliman if had seen Aragorn lately. Barliman said, “What, that pervy hobbit-fancier?” Told him he must be thinking of other Aragorn son of Arathorn. He said, “The ‘Still Not King guy, right?’ Did not respond; some people don’t deserve my conversation.

Day Eighteen

Have been following Aragorn for two days now. Have never really seen hobbits close up before. Suddenly business with curly wig and prosthetic feet starting to make sense. V. annoyed. Slow burn.

Day Twenty

Doesn’t he ever wash his hair when I’m not around?

Day Twenty-Four

Is official. Aragorn a complete pervy hobbit-fancier. Is obviously into little blue-eyed hobbit Frodo. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.

Day Twenty-Five

Cornered Sam while he was out looking for herbs. Explained to him exactly how was possible to kill human men instantly and silently using just a fork and a rubber band. Turned him around, gave him little push in Aragorn’s direction... alas no dice. “But we need him to protect Frooodo, scary elf lady!”

Whingy little hobbit, I’ve no patience at all.

Day Twenty-Six

Finally decided to take care of Aragorn myself; was about to slit his cheating throat when was distracted by howling moans of Ringbearer. Decided to annoy Aragorn by hobbit-napping bite-sized hero and taking him for extended pony ride.

Little hobbit really rather adorable, blast him.

Cannot believe am getting all swoony over hobbit. Repeat to self: “Aloof, unavailable elf princess. Aloof, unavailable elf princess.” Especially cannot believe am getting all swoony over greenish-looking, half-dead hobbit.

Day Twenty-Seven

Chased by Ringwraiths. So tedious. Off to Rivendell.

Day Twenty-Nine

Well, really. Cannot even get near Ringbearer, as Sam is always there, plus caught Aragorn sneaking around in shrubbery by hobbits’ quarters. Claimed he was looking for shard of Narsil he had misplaced.

Day Thirty

Hobbits such a bother. Kitchen staff fussing – all out of carrots. Bathroom staff fussing – all out of strawberry scented bath bubbles. Legolas fussing – will not let me go to Council meeting as then he will not be prettiest. Strain is obviously getting to Daddy. Asked me yesterday in haggard manner whether I thought purple suited his complexion. Told him of course not, he is so obviously an autumn.

Day Thirty-Two

Spent all day hanging about on bridge looking pretty before Aragorn happened along. Accused him point-blank of hobbit-fancying. He told me that Isildur had been a pervy hobbit-fancier, and he was just trying to build his career in a similar fashion. Told him: “You are Isildur’s heir, not Isildur himself.” To which he replied, "If only you were a bit shorter, and had bigger feet.”

Day Forty

Spent quite the night with Gimli. Those braids! That axe! I am smitten. No more hobbits for me, it is dwarves all the way now. Well, perhaps might just pop by one last time to watch Sam give Frodo his bath. After all, I didn’t filch that bathroom key out of Aragorn’s pocket for nothing.

***

hee hee, you guys have to see this

Fri, 08 Feb 2002 18:13:44 GMT

Nilah drew this for the Diaries; it's absolutely hilarious.

http://arisugawa.net/folio/fun/lotr2.jpg

My favorite part is the look on Sam's face...I guess he really will kill Aragorn if he tries anything.

*notices sour looks* Yeah, yeah, I'll have the new Diary up shortly.

Am going to hell, shipped express post. :D

Sat, 02 Feb 2002 19:36:52 GMT

I have not bothered with Gollum's weird speech because it does not fit with the VSD style. Complaints about lack of canon accuracy can be sent to The Management. :D

The Secret Diary of Gollum

Dedicated to Emily, the much put-upon. Damn, hell looks a lot like high school.

Day One

Popped over to attend Pervy Hobbit Fanciers Anonymous Meeting in Misty Mountains only to discover was booby trap set by Sauron.

Stupid Sauron.

Day Five

Held captive by orcs in Barad-Dur. Have been forced to watch “Flipper” over and over until give in and tell them where Ring is. Damn evil methods of torture refined over millennia. Will not give in. Will remain strong.

Day Six

Orcs have switched to repeat viewings of “The Faculty.” Cannot cope. Have told them where Ring is.

Day Eight

Escaped from Mordor. Have made way to Shire. Am v. disappointed that in last few weeks no one has responded to personal ad placed in Shire Weekly. “Toothless, fetid greenish creature ISO blue-eyed curly-headed hobbit. Must enjoy squatting in darkness, jewelry-fondling, and referring to self in third person. No smokers.”

Day Ten

Finally caught up with Ringbearer in Rivendell, but cannot get near him as is constantly being half-drowned in bathtub by burly companion type, and have developed fear of water since being forced to watch dolphin movie 300 times.

Ugh. Strawberries. Hate strawberries.

Day Eleven

Attempt to infiltrate Council of Elrond in lawn ornament disguise unsuccessful. Was stashed in storage closet by annoying Glorfindel, where was trapped for hours while Elrond tried on all Arwen’s dresses in front of mirror, while muttering something about Legolas not being the prettiest after all. Miss days of yore, when men were men and dwarves were dwarves, and elves wore trousers. Although something to be said for Legolas’ boots-and-skirt ensemble.

Day Thirteen

Left Rivendell, following Fellowship. Sent Elrond anonymous letter telling him purple does not suit his complexion. Expect to hear screams of rage all the way to Gap of Rohan.

Day Fifteen

Cannot believe men still using hoary old ‘Blow the Horn of Gondor’ pickup line. Remember when original plans to have Xylophone of Gondor scrapped by Steward in favor of silly-looking horn. Now know why.

Too bad for Isildur’s Heir, who has no Horn of Gondor (and hobbits have expressed no interest in his stubble collection) since he obviously fancies Frodo. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.

Day Thirty

V. cold on top of Caradhras. Everyone wants to carry Frodo up mountain. Nobody wants to carry me up mountain.

Stowed away in Legolas’ backpack but excessive nancing was not good for stomach. Have been sick all over elf collection of hair care products. Hope he does not notice.

Day Thirty One

V. Dark in Mines of Moria. Bad for ogling. Have been following sounds of Legolas complaining loudly about state of his backpack and dank air of Moria being bad for his skin. Gandalf stuck gum in his hair while he wasn’t looking. Rather like Gandalf. Always has gum.

Day Thirty Three

Met up with Balrog in nattily decorated subterranean bachelor pad. Balrog v. mopey. Still carrying torch for Gandalf. Told him best course of action was to try to talk it out, explain to Gandalf that while they are two extremely different people, with value systems and lifestyles that are in complete opposition to each other's, romance not ruled out. Balrog said this sounded like meaningless New Age claptrap. Told Balrog to get out of Second Age, start living in the now.

Day Thirty Four

Balrog-Gandalf conversation did not go as well as hoped, resulting in gory death of both. Perhaps was not cut out to be matchmaker after all.

Lurked and observed big hobbit cuddlefest on rocks. Nobody ever wants to cuddle me, just because am misshapen and covered in slime, so unfair. Gimli no big looker either but gets mad schnoogles from Boromir anyway.

Day Thirty Six

In Lothlorien. Attempt to lure Indistinguishable Backup Hobbits away from Ringbearer by placing carrots around was foiled when Legolas found carrots and used them to make facial mask. Aragorn told him was embarrassed to be seen with him while face covered in carrot mulch. Legolas complained he is not getting any younger. Aragorn pointed out he wasn’t exactly getting any older, either.

Day Thirty Nine

Nobody hitting on me. Cannot cope. Off to stalk Ringbearer in Mordor. Perhaps after bite off his finger and steal Ring, he might not mind having dinner with me. Will just have to figure out how to get around Sam first.

***

V. Secret Diary of Ringwraith No. 5

Tue, 29 Jan 2002 14:42:53 GMT

This one is dedicated to Jeff. Being as these diaries were originally concieved of as a way to get him to stop reading my Live Journal, I'd say it's all down to him, really. Go Jeff. :D I couldn't have done it without you.

---------

V. Secret Diary of Ringwraith No. 5

Day 1

Just opened Christmas pressie from Sauron. Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty ring!

Day 1,000,967

Got box of chocolates as Christmas bonus from Dark Lord, again. As per usual, Sauron ate all the toffees and left the strawberry creams. How I detest this life of vile servitude.

Still disembodied.

Day 1,001,056

V. bored in Barad-Dur. Nothing to do but play Scrabble with Orcs. Is v. annoying as Orcs only know Black Speech of Mordor. You try spelling Azg Nazg Gimbatul for a triple word score. Yeah, I didn’t think so.

Day 1,001,102

Suspect Sauron gearing up for something. Walked in on him applying ceremonial sparkly mascara. Suspect he will be v. happy when he has body back and can really dress up again.

Day 1,001,105
Yes, Sauron definitely gearing up for something. Have been given orders to sally forth and hunt down hobbit and close personal hobbit friend, who have somehow gotten hold of Ruling Ring.
Witch-King of Angmar’s suggestion to place pictures of Ruling Ring on milk cartons and wait for calls to come in was ignored.

Day 1,001,106

Have been given brand spanking new horse.
Not for spanking, of course.
Go me!
On minus side, still disembodied.

Day 1,001,107

V. close to nabbing Ringbearer tonight, but head Nazgul suffered attack of giggles while observing excessive cuddliness of Ringbearer and his three “companions.”

Suspect Gandalf chose Ringbearer on account of big blue eyes and pouty lower lip, rather than possession of heroic-type fortitude.

Will catch up with pretty-boy Hobbit and harem of pint-sized boyfriends in Bree. V. much looking forward to post-slaughter booze-up.

Day 1,001,109

Drat that Aragorn. Drat Isildur and all his Heirs. Generations of pervy Hobbit-fanciers, of no use to anyone. Son of Arathorn has Hobbit-napped the Ringbearer. To combat disappointment at failure to achieve goals set by Sauron, spent all night boozing it up in Bree. Breelanders v. informative.
Drinks: 10 Mai Tais (then impaled innkeeper on swizzle stick)
Killed: 17 human men. Go us!

Day 1,001,115

Have been following Isildur’s heir and pack of Hobbits for six days.
Aragorn obviously into Ringbearer. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.

Day 1,001,116

Got slightly over-frisky with Ringbearer at Weathertop. Aragorn went all wonky and possessive and set me on fire. And indeed, Sam did try to kill me although did not notice had been hit in knees with frying pan until later on.

Day 1,001,119

Met she-elf girlfriend of Isildur’s Heir today. Was so busy laughing at concept of Aragorn the Hobbit Fancier having “girlfriend” that inconveniently got washed away in stream.
Horse dead, armor all rusted. Must return to Mordor for oiling.
No, not that kind of oiling.
Rather a pervy wraith-fancier, aren’t you, what?